Not Lost

Airlines Out of Control

2011-02-27T19:36:00.002+03:00

I recently traveled internationally, and let me tell you, I may never fly again (well, at least until I have to go home.) Airline security in the US is as ridiculous as I ever want to experience it, and feels like a prison camp.

The first thing is the full body scan. Earlier, I had done a far amount of research (due to the fact that I am a Fact Finder as classified by the Kolbe test which has heretofore redefined my life. I like it so much, I'm now considering doing a post just to talk more about it). Anyway, I had read all these horrible things about it: like that it is dangerous for the elderly, children, and women who are pregnant. This is because of all the cancer-causing x-rays they shoot at you, and so I am an aspiring member to the latter category, I decided to opt out.

This created an interesting scene in the airport, but first I read all the rules on it. First, the only other option to the cancer box is a full body pat down (I saw one youtube video where the guy said, "If you weren't wearing your uniform this would be a molestation charge," which I think does well to create the general impression of what it's like. ) It must be done by a same-sex officer (is that what we're calling them?), they have to tell you exactly what they're going to do, and when they get to the 'sensitive' parts of your body, they have to use the back of their hand. There were other things, but I feel like those were the main three.

I went and opted out, and the whole scenario wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But here's a play-by-play for those interested: First, the lady told me, "Get in the cancer box and put your hands in the air" or something like that. Then I said, "Yeah, I'm going to do the pat-down thing." She then corrected me and said, "Are you opting out?"

"Yes."

She then yelled, "We have an opt out, female!" And everyone looked at me. But I had long decided to shake them hater's off, so I played it cool and didn't notice, though I'm sure this is definitely meant to embarrass the individual. Then I was told to go to the side, with all my stuff that had been scanned, and wait. It took about 4 min or so, fast service, and then the same lady walked over and did everything right from what I remember. I then stood with my hands in a Tshape and stood with my legs wide so she could feel up my legs. I hadn't been working out, so I was a little self-conscious. Overall, I think it wasn't too invasive; she definitely felt around my breasts pretty thoroughly. I wanted to make a comment or laugh at the situation, but I was continually reminded over the loudspeaker that we're at threat level Orange (whatever the hell that means) and "any comment of joke about the security procedures may result in your arrest" (which I know that means 'create false sense of authority in TSA'). So I kept my mouth shut. She then said, you're free to go ma'am. Then I said thanks and immediately regretted it.

The next big ordeal was actually getting onto the plane. This was the worst and I've never felt so insulted in my life. Maybe that one time in middle school when my friend's dad made a racist comment to me, that was close, but this was worse. We were boarding, but we were first led into a hallway and told to put our carry on luggage on one side of the wall, and line up across from it on the other side. This was all yelled at us. A dog then sniffed all out stuff, then us, and the luggage that he lingered at was pulled aside, along with it's owner, and was searched. Some random searches were done too. The whole time though, this man kept yelling at us. To stay still, keep quiet, line up. It was awful. I kept thinking that I was an American citizen and not even Russia treats people this bad. Spain sure as heck didn't. It was patronizing and belittling.

I think the whole purpose of that ordeal was just to create this false sense of fear. All of that extra security is so freaking unnecessary, on top of the rudeness of this group's delusional sense of authority. Actually, I'm wrong. They only have as much authority as we give them, and we're just letting them treat us like that. On top of that, where did these body scanners come from? Were they asked for? I mean, when I went to get my teeth x-rayed last year, they put a giant lead coat on my body and hid behind a lead screen as they pushed the button. I don't think people want x-rays shot at their unprotected bodies but people are stupid enough to line up and take it. Ugh, this gets me so mad. Once they become mandatory, I'm never flying again.

Be Men and Women of Prayer

2010-11-04T11:34:00.002+03:00

On your walls, O Jerusalem,
I have set watchmen;
all the day and all the night
they shall never be silent.
You who put the LORD in remembrance,
take no rest,
and give him no rest
until he establishes Jerusalem
and makes it a praise in the earth.

~Isaiah 62:6-7

will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?

~Luke 18:7-8

Who can ascend Your holy hill?

2010-10-25T20:20:00.003+04:00

LISTEN TO THIS

I'm having a hard time not completely going head over heels for paul washer - in a "my favorite person to youtube/podcast/internet search for" kind of way. This sermon titled "Regeneration" is a GREAT sermon on turning from sin to righteousness. I strongly believe the issue of walking righteously, and consequently running away from sin, is a topic that I wish was taught more (with a nazarene background, I know that what he says about wesley is true teaching at least in my church) . It was only until after much difficulty, stubborness, confusion and 'getting swept up with teachings' of every kind in this world, that the Lord has made clear to me that he desires holiness in His children. Washer, in this sermon, touches on this AND MORE (which is why i like it so much) because he kind of zeroes in on the power of regeneration and how as believers, we are no longer under the power of sin! We don't 'love sin' or have to just 'live with this issue of sin' in our lives - but that we are not slaves anymore. Not that we don't struggle with sin, citing 1 John, or free to run amok, but geez, he does such a great job of tying grace and a joyful, holy way of living together. I mostly just feel like praying more after I listen to this man preach - truly preaching Christ.

Verse - Romans 6:16: (Yes, I wish I could make that part stand out any further. Maybe flashing lights?)

Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.

Straight from Martin Luther's mouth

2010-10-25T12:53:00.004+04:00

I just finished this book on the life of Martin Luther and was that man spirited. I mean to say, not that he was full of the Spirit, which he was with what was revealed him, but have you read any of his stuff?? The guy had a vibrancy in writing, and had such mastery over humor, the english language, the scriptures and doctrine, that what he wrote to the catholic church was both challengingly and clever. I am sad I've never read his works before; and here I read only excerpts. Even so, here are some entertaining ones :)

On humbleness and when the Lord directed Peter to cast on the other side:

'I would have said, "Now look here, Master. You are a preacher, and I am not undertaking to tell you how to preach. And I am a fisherman, and you need not tell me how to fish.' But Peter was humble, and the Lord therefore made him a fisher of men.

On the monasteries/convents being incorrectly regarded as the highest christian life. The shepherds after the birth of Jesus:

Surely that must be wrong. We should correct the passage to read, 'They went and shaved their heads, fasted, told their rosaries and put on cowls.' Instead we read, 'The shepherds returned.' Where to? To their sheep. The sheep would have been in a sorry way if they had not.

On Christian duties:

If the burgomaster does his duty, there will scarcely be four who will like him. If the father disciplines his son, the lad will be ugly. It is true everywhere. The prince has nothing for his pains. One is tempted to say, 'Let the Devil be burogmaster. Let Lucifer preach. I will go to the desert and serve God there.' It is no light task to love your neighbor as yourself.

And a brief life history:

I am the son of a peasant...and the grandson and the great-grandson. My father wanted to make me into a bugomaster. He went to Mansfeld and became a miner. I became a baccalaureate and a a master. Then I became a monk and put off the brown beret. My father didn't like it, and then I got into the pope's hair and married an apostate nun. Who could have read that in the stars?

These are just some of what he said. Definitely wrote voraciously against the teachings of the catholic church (even called the pope the anichrist). I highly recommend reading about him. I read "Here I stand: A life of Martin Luther" by Roland Bainton which I thought VERY good. It was very comprehensive and covered so much historically, including the background with revolutions, princes, electors, and the different cities and countries involved and effected by the reformation. It's a complex account, but he does well in presenting it in chronological order, so that it's easy to see the logical flow of events (excepting when what happened made no sense) and it is filled with excerpts from Martin himself. So he doesn't so much tell you what he believed on certain points, but lets you read them yourself. A good first time ML book for me :)

Wanna Runaway

2010-10-07T19:29:00.001+04:00

I sometimes wish I could just be a hermit. In a small, foreign part of the world. I mean, I wouldn't have to deal with all this nonsense called life. Just think about it - the luxury of the ascetic life! No make up issues, and no hair fixing. (I would say no fashionable clothes to worry about, but that would be under some crazy notion that I do dress fashionably) I could shave my head and none the wiser, none! That's just one aspect of life that is nonsense. Also, I like the idea of strictly structured and disciplined living. A lot. Not for any penitential reason, but for the minimalistic one - I don't need all this space, luxury or western clothes. And I could just be in my little yurt, (cause i'd probably be in siberia somewhere..) with my books and tea and nobody, seeking God....oh the life.....

However, I'm not called to that. It sure is noble to want to live forsaking earthly comforts and become a scholar - but how important is that in the life of a christian?..... Seriously, (and I am not exaggerating at all) the idea of being a nun or any kind of cloister-equivalent has always appealed to me since I became a believer - precisely because I think it's easier.

And now you may think I'm crazy for saying that, but it's hard to live in a world where everyday you rub elbows with other sinners, and most that don't know Christ, and it's your duty to tell them. It's hard to live knowing that you're a light to shine in the world, and not an indoor candle solely for reading. It's hard having to daily battle (what seems like) every temptation from materialism to covetousness to malice. (Rom. 2: 23) And mostly it's hard having to speak up when people actually don't know what you believe. (Which is every time unless you have one of those "5+2 = 5000" shirts) It's hard being bold.

And most times, I just want to shut myself up with my Bible and with God and be all alone in the world. But the closer I get to God in the Word, the more I feel like Jeremiah -

But if I say, "I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name,"
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.

Christ put such a hard calling on every christian - namely to boldly proclaim His name. And if the Holy Spirit resides in you, chances are these verses describe exactly how you've felt at one time or another in your day. You must speak His name. You must tell that person, or that other person, or somebody, anybody who will hear you! And it's really uncomfortable most of the time. I must confess something. I've felt led to pray with a couple sick people for healing at the clinic when they came - and I haven't. It keeps welling up within me, and I have a million excuses not to. Lord give me the boldness to pray openly for healing! I am weary of holding it in. I'm terrified to speak, and weary with shutting in this fire burning to get out.

This is more of two posts in one, more of a ramble, and less of anything developed, but the thing I'm trying to say is, what use is a silent christian?

Post Expedition

2010-09-20T22:19:00.000+04:00

I'm having a hard time here.

And I just took a quick look at my last post (titled "Affliction") and so it seems I am being thematic, if even unintentionally.

The issue over my head is purpose. I feel purposeless. I have felt like this in Midland (though God knows I had my hands full) and I feel this now - though, again, there are daily things on the agenda and always english to teach. This is something deeper i know, past tasks.

I have this feeling that God has silenced me, and hid me away in a country where I cannot speak or be found. I feel very hidden and unused. 'I can't be doing anything for Him now,' my mind says. 'Surely He has forgotten me.' I don't understand how this works - how Russia fits in with my life. How I have not spoken to more than 2 people about God and yet He has led me here. God, couldn't I do more for you in a country where it is 1)at least legal for me to go and speak to someone about Christ and 2) I could at least speak! and yet here I am.

There have been good things about being here. In the Agape ministry, I am the young one here. Having met so many of the people here who have been walking with the Lord so long, i see that there are decades of wisdom. One lady, a doctor (cause they all are really) advised me when I opened up to her one night. She prescribed me to smile about the Gospel and about Jesus Christ and about future glory 3 times a day, every day, until I feel better all day. What a great prescription.

That's what I'm doing now. Truthfully, when I get to thinking about 'how am i any use to You?' i forget that He loved me so much to come and get me. And draw me close to Him. He softened my heart slowly, because He knew what I needed. And then, He filled me with love for His Son and left me on earth with a promise that this will all pass away one day to be replaced by joy.

I've been reading John lately and 6:29 is a great verse. I don't say that because I have any special revelation on it, but because it's so deep and complex to me, I can't get it out of my head. I'm praying through it now. I really recommend reading this whole passage but this is just the verse:

Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.”

It's humbling to me. But confusing, because to me, I think the act of believing is...perfective maybe? I think that's the word I'm looking for. Because once it's done, it's a completed act, once and for all. So I read this verse and think, 'okay, did that. Now what?' But there's a continuity to belief that I don't understand. I must keep doing it, it seems. But what does that mean and what does it look like?

I have no answers, but I am praying for understanding. Also, I LOVE the idea of thinking on the Gospel three times a day. Everyone should do it!

Affliction

2010-08-12T01:33:00.001+04:00

There is a verse in Isaiah that now I've lost. It may even have been a Proverb or Psalm. Oh well. It talked about the humble and how God will help them. Only, it was memorable because there was a footnote over 'humble' that said 'also afflicted'. And then I started thinking about a prayer I had and the place I'm at spiritually. With so much affliction I could die. I have so much awareness of shortcomings in my life, and brokenness in my heart that I am so grieved and afflicted I could die from grief. My prayer from Daniel a few months ago was to walk humbly with God. Is that then to walk afflicted with God? The important part is that it is done 'with God.'

I am hopeful about where I am. I have seen desolation ad hoplessness in myself and my abilities and it was in God's perfect Grace to cross my path with a woman who spoke truth to me. She was where I was once, God let me see that, and it took 20+ years for restoration from Him. She was so encouraging about his promises of goodness. I am so hopeless, I can't even hope for blessings, only healing.

What's beautiful is that God is patient and forever.

Yesterday I couldn't stop reading Psalm 147:10. Just that one verse. It gave me hope and life. He gave me that to remind me when He takes delight in me. Right now, me. Because I fear Him and hope in His love. I hope in His healing.

Affliction is a curious thing in the Christian walk because we are afflicted by so many things. There are so many things that bring us humble and low to God. I love knowing "I'm down and here and You're up there."

It's an odd knowledge that I'm broken and desolate, in a way, and that God will fix all things in His time. And not knowing what He'll do. I know when an object here on earth is broken, what it's supposed to do and how to fix it. But i am so helpless, I don't even know what's step one. What am I supposed to look like in the end? How is this supposed to be fixed? This heart that, medically, is healthy? (I think). I can only wait on God. And that only inspires praise and humbleness. There is only to wait on the Farmers' expert hand and His wisdom and time.

Laments

2010-07-21T08:21:00.000+04:00

Lamentations -

"She who was a princess - has become a slave"

"Among all her lovers - she has none to comfort her"

"Look, O Lord, and see"

"He has left me stunned,

faint all the day long"

"My transgressions were bound into a yoke -

by His hand they were set upon my neck"

"My eyes flow with tears; for a comforter is far from me"

"The Lord has become like an enemy"

"The Lord is in the right"

"The Lord has swallowed up without mercy...

in His wrath He has broken down...

He has brought down to the ground in dishonor..."

"The Lord has made Zion forget festival and Sabbath"

My ruin is as vast as the sea - who can heal me?

"He has filled me with bitterness - He has sated me with wormwood"

"I have forgotten what happiness is;

so I say, "My endurance has perished;

so has my help from the Lord

Let me put my mouth in the dust- there may yet be hope

My pursuers are at me neck;

I am weary; I am given no rest

Renew my days of old-

unless you have utterly rejected me,

and you remain exceedingly angry with me

Daniel 10 -

"Then he continued, "Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. ¹³ But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days."

¹⁷ How can I, your servant, talk with you, my lord? My strength is gone and I can hardly breathe." ¹⁸ Again the one who looked like a man touched me and gave me strength. ¹⁹ "Do not be afraid, O man highly esteemed," he said. "Peace! Be strong now; be strong." When he spoke to me, I was strengthened and said, "Speak, my lord, since you have given me strength."

I love revelation from the Lord!

2010-07-13T05:02:00.000+04:00

Haha, but who doesn't?

I really enjoy those times when a verse hits you later (in this case about a year) and you have a significant spiritual understanding of it that is assuredly the Holy Spirit telling you deep truths. A couple of days ago I was reading Isaiah and paired it with Hebrews - which I've been reading often. This passage is from Isa. 28. Earlier in the chapter, Isaiah is talking about how the land will be destroyed and is basically bringing bad tidings. I had read this passage before, but I didn't quite understand it. To me it sounded like Isaiah just started teaching me how to garden.

²³Give ear, and hear my voice;
give attention, and hear my speech.
²⁴Does he who plows for sowing plow continually?
Does he continually open and harrow his ground?
²⁵ When he has leveled its surface,
does he not scatter dill, sow cumin,
and put in wheat in rows
and barley in its proper place,
and emmer as the border?
²⁶ For he is rightly instructed;
his God teaches him.
²⁷Dill is not threshed with a threshing sledge,
nor is a cart wheel rolled over cumin,
but dill is beaten out with a stick,
and cumin with a rod.
²⁸Does one crush grain for bread?
No, he does not thresh it forever;
when he drives his cart wheel over it
with his horses, he does not crush it.
²⁹This also comes from the LORD of hosts;
he is wonderful in counsel
and excellent in wisdom.

Then I read in Hebrews 12:

⁷It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?⁸If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. ⁹Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? ¹⁰For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. ¹¹ For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Anyway, I read these two, but didn't understand they were related until later in the day. But I see now that they are both about discipline. It's clear to see how in Isa., right after promising hard times to Jerusalem and using harsh words - like 'beaten' and 'crush' - to describe it, he offers them solace in the fact that it won't be the end. And the author of Hebrews (though more frank) explains the necessity of discipline. The verses kind of speak for themselves, but in all of this it is great to know that in disciplining us, He is excellent in wisdom.

A few thoughts

2010-07-05T07:33:00.000+04:00

The Lord has been very good to me in Midland. I had such a hard time here, but prayer has solved every problem I have ever had in my life. And so it has been a good almost-three weeks.

There have been a few things the Lord has spoken to me, & one of them is a prayer of my heart.

The first one occurred as I was reading Daniel, which I don't know why, but the Lord led me there. I read in Daniel 10, when Daniel had a vision and a man, or "one having the appearance of a man," spoke to him and in verse 12 tells him: "Fear not, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand and humbled yourself before your God, your words have been heard, and I have come because of your words." I was really touched by the characteristics used to describe Daniel: he set his heart to understand and humbled himself before God. Those are two things I have been praying a lot about for myself.

Secondly, as I was driving, I was uncomfortable with some social situations (as I usually am...) and I was praying panickingly, not really expecting the Lord to answer, about all of my anxieties and worries. And then He calmly told me, I am the orchestrator of the world. And I thought, wow, what a great God we serve that He even answers frantic, senseless prayers. Anyways, what was cool, was that in the end, I am very certain that everything happened exactly as the Lord intended, with more blessings to be had!

Thirdly, in prayer, I was comforted by the Lord's Spirit in knowing that I have need for nothing else in this world because I have Jesus. What a great prayer! The Spirit brought me such peace in this, it's indescribeable! I thought, what else do I need? Nothing! We have need for NOTHING with Jesus!

This last note means a lot to me, mostly because coming out to Midland was not easy. It may have been the most difficult move-of-faith in my life. I left my family and friends and came out here, with Jessica going to the other side of the world. For about a week I would brood a lot, and I was working myself into a little depression. Before, I never would have said I struggled with depression, but in that first week, I would have readily admitted it. But Satan is a theif of joy, and seeks only our destruction. The Lord saved me from so much. Not because He gave me more and changed my circumstances, but because He reminded me of who He is. In Him we have life in abundance.

I also started reading the cost of discipleship. I can't believe I never read this before, and I partly have caroline to thank for this. I'm only in the second chapter where he's talking about the call to discipleship. It's about how obedience and faith are intrinsic to each other, and one thing he repeatedly says is "only those who believe, obey and only those who obey, believe." I'll have more thoughts on this book as I get further in. It's by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and YOU should read it.

Wisdom V. Folly

2010-05-01T08:00:00.000+04:00

1Wisdom has built her house...
³She has sent out her young women to call
from the highest places in the town,
⁴ "Whoever is simple, let him turn in here!"

¹³ The woman Folly is loud...
she takes a seat on the highest places of the town,
¹⁵calling to those who pass by,
who are going straight on their way,
¹⁶ "Whoever is simple, let him turn in here!"

On reading Proverbs chapter 9 I'm struck by the similarities between Wisdom and Folly, specifically in how they present themselves and where. Both in the high places, both with the same call, to a population aware of its ignorance and its desire to know. Which is really what this world is full of, the missional call being one that directs them towards Wisdom. (job 28:28) Anyway, my main point is the difference which needs to be made distinct. I think there is a parallel here in my life (surely in the life of all Christians) and that is the drive towards a heart of peace. That peace is found in Christ. However, we are constantly bombarded with sinful urges and desires, that trick us under the guise of givers of peace. They mock the grace that could be ours, and lie to us, saying: "if only I [insert sin] I will feel at rest and fulfilled." But the difference lies in do we know where this thought originates/is coming from? Is it rooted in truth? Is it backed by the Word? Can this spirit line up with the Gospel (1 John 4)? Because if it doesn't, surely it is Folly in the guise of Wisdom.

They even offer the same things. Sort of.

And to him who lacks sense she says,
⁵"Come, eat of my bread
and drink of the wine I have mixed.
⁶Leave your simple ways, and live,
and walk in the way of insight."

And to him who lacks sense she says,
"Stolen water is sweet,
and bread eaten in secret is pleasant."
¹⁸But he does not know that the dead are there,
that her guests are in the depths of Sheol.

Bread and water/wine. I will not even begin to touch on the connection these have in the New Testament, but needless to say, they represent life. There is also no little matter that they are presented in parallel forms, starting with the same phrasing again. This was not just for the beauty of conformity, but I think to draw to attention that they are very similar. There are distinctions that need to be made. This leads to: do you know where this will lead you? Ultimately, how will you feel afterwards? When confronted with the desire to sin, (and always they are sins I am familiar with) I think: "I know now I desire, but afterwards? How empty I always feel." It is death. That emptiness is the death of Sheol. The Bible as roadmap as the Psalmist said (119) is very serious. Because it truly tells you where you will end up if you pursue these things. Wisdom will lead to insight and life. Folly to the shame of secrecy and the depths of death.

Now test all things against the Word, where these urges come from, and where you know they will lead.

Reasons To Study Acts

2010-03-09T21:45:00.000+03:00

Here's the thing: Sunday at Intern meeting, George asked about our thoughts for content next year and what to teach in the small groups. There were some suggestions, one specifically on foundations of our beliefs, but I stayed silent. I couldn't think of anything, but now I have. Over this past semester I've been casually reading Acts from time to time, more so recently due to my roommate Rachel's study of it with her friend. Needless to say, I think that's the book.

I haven't really thought this out yet, but I'm gonna compile a quick list of reasons for why:

1) Focus on missions/evangelism/outreach/the 'lost' sheep. Reading about the early church, the undeniable mandate of the Lord to 'go' and reading about lost souls coming to Christ is supposed to encourage us to go and speak of what we know is truth!

2) Reliance on the work of the Spirit. So many times we get caught up in our own ability and what we can do for the Gospel on earth! But reading through Acts, you can see how much prayer there was dedicated to their mission, how much reliance there was on the Spirit for boldness to act, and how in all things, the Spirit was guiding them. Even in Acts 16:6 the Spirit moved Paul not to speak! In all things on this earth we need discernment, and that from the Holy Spirit. Acts provides great examples of His power. Speaking of which.....

3) Miracles. I know. I know. As a people we try to rationalize everything, and Christians are no different. But let's face it: Miracles are completely irrational. There is NO empirical reason why the prisons would be shaken, how Paul escapes prison via an angel, and how the Spirit for real teleports Philip like 30 miles away (Acts 8). Truth is, this things have happened, are real, and John 14 says we will do even greater things through Him!! So, to know what our competition is (haha, just kidding) we need to know the history of it.

Well, that's kind of it. I'm sue there's more I'm not thinking of, but this is something I would be EXCITED about doing and working on! Maybe I'll write my own bible study on Acts....?

When Two Worlds Meet

2010-03-02T05:47:00.000+03:00

Leslie Marie Shelton is an UNBELIEVABLY good piano player. I'm listening to her right now. Nice. (Shouts)

Where was I....? 3 months later, so much has happened. It is well documented in my journals. To continue on with things current...

Tuesday night is the immediate burden on my heart for prayer right now. Some people are getting together at my house to go reach the lost, treasure hunting style. I'm so excited for it. And that alone is a HUGE testament to the Lord's genuine, real change in my heart. How crazy to be excited, and anxiously anticipating evangelism!?! Lord I praise You for evidences of Your life-changing love! Haha!

Any who...Tuesday. I asked a friend of mine Justin if he could head over, and he said he might could bring some acc'ers. Nice. I'm excited for multiple reasons, mostly because it's another chance to watch the Lord use the power of the Holy Spirit to make Himself known. Here's the verse on my heart:

But if an unbeliever or someone who does not understand comes in while everybody is prophesying, he will be convinced by all that he is a sinner and will be judged by all, and the secrets of his heart will be laid bare. So he will fall down and worship God, exclaiming, "God is really among you!" 1 Co. 14:24

Something interesting about that verse, "secrets" is sometimes translated as "treasures." Does this verse have another meaning? :)

Okay, I'm done. Admittedly, this blog is a by-product of my procrastination.

Toodles!

Seeking

2009-11-06T06:59:00.000+03:00

I was praying today about my future. Like I do A LOT. Anyway, I have been praying about it for a long time, especially these past few months. At the beginning of the semester, I received silence. Then for awhile, He was pressing patience and waiting on Him. Today the message changed! Bear in mind, these messages lasted months, and a new one merits praise!

He told me, "Seek righteousness." What a great message! It involves real action; I'm very excited. And talking with Ell's today (shout out) she told me, "Yeah! Like in Micah 6:8, my favorite verse!" Which I knew, cause I know her so well :) But there is something about timing that our timeless God understands. Anyway, here is that verse:

⁸He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?

I am excited about what He is slowly revealing. I will seek what He has revealed.

On Love And Identity

2009-11-02T09:04:00.000+03:00

Successful first week! ...... sort of. I found out the OJ i was drinking has Vitamin D3 in it, which is ALWAYS from animals. Fail. But as for that oversight my first week of eating no animal products proved successful, as I did not fall over and collapse from malnutrition! And that is success.

Me and Kayla are reading through 1 John, and we came across one of my new favorite verses in the Bible as of now. Here is the passage from 4:16-17 -

¹⁶So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. ¹⁷By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.

The title of this section is "God is Love" in the ESV. Here was the revelation that came through this. We are love. Crazy, right??? But what I love about these verses is that they touch on our Identity. These verses are crazy similar to earlier, at the end of chapter 3, where John urges us to love our brothers. I had thought before that he was just repeating himself in the later chapter 4 verses in this section. But it is entirely different in nature, in that it's defining feature is that it tells us "as He is, so also are we." As He is Love, in this world, we are Love. He touches on Identity here, verses loving in action as earlier in chapter 3.

This entire book has been so encouraging. One of my favorite verses from here ties into this, it says "He who loves his brother, lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble." We ARE love, what is in us to make us stumble? Let all our actions be motivated by love, and we cannot stumble!

Let it Vegan!

2009-10-29T07:01:00.001+03:00

Haha, the pun on "begin" sounding like "vegan" isn't a new one, but I will use it since it's new with me!

Yes all, I am vegan now. I know that some know and some don't, but for the past three days I have, to the best of my knowledge, stayed from things and foods that dealt with animals in their process of being made. I know that I am not perfect. I am still studying, learning and reading as much as I can as to what to avoid and, most especially, what I can eat! I understand that I work at a food restaurant that sells meat, but it would just not be wise or realistic for me to quit my job over it. I do know that I can do what I can to what I know the Lord has called me to.

Since my transition, the Lord has had so much grace with me, in that I don't ever feel at all like I'm dying for a hamburger or some cheese. I actually don't feel any desire to eat meat, at least for now, though I can't imagine wanting to.

As to how it began, suffice to say that I have felt convicted in my heart. I know that in my heart is where the Holy Spirit is. I am no stranger to His voice or His movement, and when I learned about what happens to animals in the meat industry, how they are abused, mistreated, brutally murdered, I could not help but feel such pity and sympathy. I know for a fact that this was not a decision that was made by me, but rather for me. I didn't simply 'decide' I was to be vegan, but just knew in my heart that this was the next logical step for me to take, fully knowing that it has been the Lord guiding me the whole time.

And such freedom it has been! It is one of the most freeing and exciting endeavors I have ever undertaken! It is fun planning dinners and checking nutrition!

On top of that, it is sweet seeing the confirmation in the word, and seeing how He has blessed me since stepping out in faith towards what I felt so strongly for. One of the most distinct things I know is from the book of Romans. It always scared me, truthfully, because of its intensity and I was afraid that I would not understand it. Two years ago, I started to try to independently study it, to no avail. I stopped after a million things I had read I didn't understand, and one that I always remembered very distinctly was the verse, "Everything that is not from faith is sin."(14:23) I freaked when I read that. How do I put that to practice? What does that even mean? How can it be tested? So many questions, but I just gave that to God....until NOW!

I feel very strongly in my heart that He has shown me how to put that into practice now. But as to how to word it......simply following His convictions? Knowing the movement and will of the Spirit, indwell'd? I don't know how to say other than what someone wise once told me, "work out your faith with fear and trembling."

I do not think becoming vegan is for everyone. I think it unwise to make a religion out of a conviction. If you feel it, it is in your best interest to follow through. I was scared, because I had NO IDEA how to be one. But the Lord has Grace enough for that, and has blessed me considerably. However, if there is no movement of the Spirit in this way, He is surely calling your attention to other things. I know, though, that to veganism is where I am called, and to Him, how can I deny? Truly, He is more satisfying.

Faulty Peace

2009-10-24T01:41:00.000+04:00

Today I made a big purchase after making another earlier this past couple of weeks. These were out of necessity, and so were necessary things to buy. But today after driving away I had a panic attack. Like I always do when I make most purchases.

Those who know me, know that I really did not grow up in a very monetarily secure household, neither in my immediate family nor my extended. There is worry in my heart caused by these things. Namely, that I have noticed that I need to make proactive actions to not be attached to material things or money or 'perishable things.' I have a tendency to think that soon it will be gone, so I must hold on to it. I need to know that all my hope and peace, as the hymn famously says, is in Christ, His Love, His Cross. That's. it.

I wasn't thinking of Christ, Love or His Cross when I was driving and panicking in the car though. I was thinking of food, bills, college, things that I have to worry about, and a million things I can think that could cause me to pity myself or make it out to not be my fault.

The only thing at the time when I was panicking was to check my bank account, and make sure I was still safely in the clear. I was. And that brought peace to me.

THAT BROUGHT PEACE TO ME. Finding security in my current financial state BROUGHT ME PEACE.

That is severely wrong. Beware of the traps of money when they steal the place of peace in our lives reserved only for our Christ.

"I want to not find security and peace in money"

That is a prayer of mine. Importantly, to find if this has been answered is when I actually do not have security and peace in money.

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fall
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation
God, the Lord, is my strength;
He makes my feet like the deer's;
He makes me tread on my high places.

-Habakkuk 3:17-19

Knowledge of the Law apart from the Spirit is Useless

2009-10-14T03:22:00.000+04:00

As per the past year: It seems the soul/heart/mind(but more than that...) I once had has been evicted/transformed/wrecked. The previous self I was, with its life categorizing, double standards, and general selfish tendencies, allowed such painful regressions to sin, showing no true repentance. Yes, there was promise in 'mind', but not transformation in heart. There was awareness/conviction of sin, yet not the overwhelming desire to fix it in my life. (Possibly what we so often say, 'conviction' we may only be referring to the knowledge of presence of sin, which the word implies. The idea only that there is 'belief of' sin, rather than the necessity to do something about it.) So often I knew what I must do: turn away, flee, don't play the line of sin, yet when the tests came I failed. Surely my mind did not change in those times, as that I retained the knowledge of what was right, and what was wrong.

That is exactly what relying on the self and not Spirit looks like: failure in walking righteously. John's words from his first epistle are never so true as now to me. If we walk in darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. This truth is that God is light. They cannot coexist in one heart. Categorizing life is death. Death eternally, temporally. Death to joy. Can one, then, have the awareness of sin which comes with the Spirit, yet do nothing to stop sinful acts and begin righteous living? No I tell you. For presence of the Spirit, truly, alive and active in you can only bring such joyful pain of awareness of sin in one's life that the only course to take is action for that Spirit. It must be that when He is grieved, you are grieved, and sorrowful, as the bible will tell us leads to repentance. Our Spirit is changed, mine is changed.

And in this, we have faith in the strength given us to complete this end. Apart from walking in the Spirit we are working from our own power. Tozer will say,

"through the body of Christ, God is doing an eternal work above and beyond the realm of fallen nature. this requires supernatural working..."

Let all we do, then, have the after effects in eternity and this only through the Spirit.

Note: On this I could write a book on now that I have thought and developed this more. The knowledge of the Law apart from the Spirit can only lead to the situation described in Hebrews chapter 4:

Therefore, while the promise of entering His rest still stands, let us fear, lest any of you should seem to have failed to reach it. For good news came to us just as to them, but the message they heard did not benefit them, because they were not united by faith with those who listened

and later,

Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.

What does 'strive to enter that rest' mean but to live a righteous life?

For the Ladies

2009-10-10T19:42:00.000+04:00

"There are no coincidences, only answered prayers." I think that is already a coined phrase. However, I don't know if it is, the Lord has just been putting this in my head lately. To believe in coincidences is such a hope killer in the belief of an intervening God.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to focus on. This is for the ladies, as titled, because it is a message I want to share with them, that I have received. It may be for men too, I guess, but I feel most for the women, as I know that these complexities are ones most women face.

And now for vulnerability. I have never felt especially beautiful. Or pretty, or any other word that I have been told by my mother and the Bible and yet I have refused to believe because of the lies of the world. I thought in my head, "the world says this kind of girl is beautiful. That is not me. Therefore, I am not beautiful." Crazy, right? But SO MANY women struggle with this, and like me, may not be aware that you do, or feel that the solution to the problem is in you, not in Christ.

Anyway, we are not our own orchestrator's of our fate, praise God! These were LIES (it is important to identify that they are exactly that) that I had been believing since I can remember. These LIES, then, were a stronghold for Satan in my life, that he used to tempt me and pull me away, as in Hosea 2:

¹³ I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,"
declares the LORD.

And that's what I did. However, the following verse proves truer:

¹⁴ "Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

Twice in the past semester God has told me POWERFULLY and without a doubt, that I am beautiful. And not with conditions, as in beautiful because of anything outward, he just said "You're Beautiful." And again, "Beautiful." TWICE; weeks apart. First, know that God has SOO much patience for you. It abounds! He IS the God of patience! I thought surely He had enough of me, but not only is that a LIE (again, every thought captive) He is leading and alluring us! I want to encourage any women that read my blog that YOU too are BEAUTIFUL in the Lord. And we know this because He tells us. Capture the lie of ugly, that goes against so much truth, and don't seek justification in this world, as I have done, as so many of us are prone to do. We have already been justified, and made beaufitul :)

Encouragement to those in the Faith and pursuing His kingdom on Earth

2009-10-09T23:01:00.000+04:00

This past Thursday was Treasure Hunting! whooo. It has consistently proved to be one of my favorite times of the week....that and the one time I meet with this wonderful woman of God once a week ;)

Pues, the purpose of this post is to share the encouraging moments of yesterday. We met, prayed, worshiped and called out and listened to God together, and before we left this guy Justin shared this Psalm and encouragement idea. I'm actually unsure which Psalm it was. Possibly Psalm 59:8 which reads:

"But You O Lord laugh at them"

or it could have been Psalm 2:4:

"The One enthroned in heaven laughs"

Either one, they both work. Well, he encouraged us to share some of our fears, the lies from the enemy that we shouldn't believe, but do, so that we can laugh at them. Which sounded silly, but it was such a source of joy let me tell you! Well, Earlier in the night this guy Royce said, "I'm gonna jut make a big plea God, don't let us encounter any hard hearts. I pray that everyone be open that we talk to." I shared that when I individually tried to pray that, I had admitted personally to myself that I had such little faith. That I couldn't believe it; the past two weeks I was punted and completely rebuked. (It was in those times my mom encouraged me, with "The world will hate you, but it is not you they hate but [Christ in us]," very encouraging). So I shared that, and how I was praying that I couldn't imagine: out of all the people we will talk to, how can not one get ignored or hated? We all had a good laugh at that disbelief and set out.

I got a chance to see the Holy Spirit move in amazing ways, and He blessed me by allowing me to see my part in His plan that night! For a long time, Satan had me fooled into believing 'coincidences' or even that I don't even hear the Spirit. And other such nonsense. Anyway, the Spirit gave me a very clear picture of a man I mistook for a friend of mine, so I assumed it was him. Anyway, I get discouraged so easily and I had thought surely he must be at Fuddrucker's. When he wasn't there, I believed more of Satan's lies, that I made this up. But I just kept praying His mercy for my unbelief, and prayed faith to believe His promises.

So me and Royce go to Petco, cause he the Lord told him turtles, fishes/fish tank and...something else.....anyway I can't remember. We go there, and there he is. However not chris, but the guy that I saw in my head that looked exactly like Chris. He was the guy we were supposed to talk to!! And the movement of the Spirit inside me was something like Joy, I remember. I felt justified against all those lies then. I hold this to myself, and we see him again, of course, by the turtles and this is when I tell Royce. He agrees. So we look for him and, of course, he's elbow deep in a fish tank.

The talk was great, he knew about Christ, but not WHO he is, like personally, or about His perfect Love. The sweet part was we talked to him for like 10 minutes, and it was as if he was waiting for us to talk to him. As if our visit was what the Spirit used as a catalyst. I knew this, because after we prayed for him, when we were wrapping things up, I thought in my head 'now would be a good time to extend an invitation' but the Spirit told me "I have already taken care of that. You do not need to worry about Him" Like, I felt the Spirit assuring me that He was already there! And the questions he asked! (He literally asked me, "so what turned you to Him?" awesome!)

At the end of the night, after everyone shared their testimonies, of course of course of course, NO ONE encountered a hard heart. All the hearts were open! He heard our big prayer and regardless of my little faith in praying it, He answered! He wants us only to ask, that is how I believe we demonstrate our faith. We have such a good Father :)

On top of this, be assured that movements of who the Holy Spirit is, that He lives in us, and fascination and the pursuit of God on earth that resides within us is evident in other churches. That is my real note of encouragement. That I have heard of pockets of believers from Grace, Community Church, even Church of Christ who are interested in KNOWING and MANIFESTING and WALKING in this Spirit. And this is an encouragement to those pursuing or have yet to, to continue on. He is at work in you and others.

Two tests and a paper ain't got nothin on me

2009-10-07T05:21:00.001+04:00

I meet with Kayla soon ( I guess that constitutes a shout out?) anyway, just enough time for a blog update.....

I am constantly in awe of the movement of the Spirit. It's amazing to me considering the already high expectations I have of Him, that He STILL astounds me and my only reaction is praise. That so many areas of my life are focused on pursuing the Spirit, and knowing Him intimately that resides in me, and not only that, but that OTHER people as well are becoming aware and practicing walking in His Spirit daily, what is that??? The synchronic (not a word) movement of God. That's what it is. And it is SO COOL.

I am going to start reading Tozer's Leaning Into the Wind with Angela (second shout out?) and am flippin excited. For lack of a better phrase, but I think it gets my point across. We put a pause on pursuit of Holiness, which has singlehandedly caused so much journaling and writing in a book on my part it's ridiculous. But it is for purity we have been called, so that is what we are to strive after.

Sydney (three count) came and visited this past week and it was fun times 100 we shared a bed. Haha, which I won't even do with Jessica....(4th) She came with me to Treasure Hunters, and I again got a chance to enjoy that special joy that comes with sharing something you truly love with someone you truly love as well :) Also, I stole her toothpaste.

Treasure Hunting

2009-09-18T05:58:00.001+04:00

I have an exam tomorrow that I haven't studied for, but I have weighed importance in my life in the way of 'blogging vs. studying', and find blogging my experience the weighter of the two.

IT'S AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, praise Jesus that I can hear Him!

"My sheep hear My Voice..." John 10:27

That verse is my encouragement. His continual blessing on me in pursuing this evangelism He's placed so heavily on my heart has been so crazy.....ahhhh words fail!

Last week I went to Home Depot, because that was DEFINITELY where He wanted me to go, though He knows I felt silly writing it down. But I went and recieved a HUGE blessing from this lady, Sherri, who offered to pray for me over my worries about where to go and what to do when I graduate.

This week was harder. I got chimeney. Or chimney. Whatever. Anyway.....we went to blue baker on dominik and lo and behold there it was. The one that I saw. And He led me to Kiki and now I can invite her to church cause I have her number! And He saved a wal-mart employee today through Lance!! He's raining down blessings on College Station and people are seeing it and experiencing Him!!

Oh man. I'm also learning discipline and obedience. Although, minus the negative connotation discipline has, because it's more of a joyful surrender. Compliments of Elisabeth Elliot.

God is so good to us; we need only to trust and obey. He is teaching me to hear Him and obey, giving me boldness I never had before!!

For the sake of future sarah

2009-09-13T06:53:00.000+04:00

Blog blog blob slob

Got that out of my system. I just finished Passion and Purity by one of JVS's main ladies, Elisabeth Elliot. (Henceforth, referred to as P&P by E.E) What a blessing! I feel at times that what Jim and 'Bett' (as he called her) had is impossible, given my natural cynicism. What kind of unerathly love is that, which waits 5 years, and doesn't allow a kiss, or even at times regular correspondence? But that is exactly what it is. Unearthly. Of course the natural course of thought is disbelief because such love is not from this earth, but from above. It is not in my limited knowledge to understand it, but it is within my God-given capacity to accept it as a possibility. Just as the love of Jesus which took the form of the cross is not understandable to me, but is a reality, that kind of love described by E.E in her book exsists, if even I don't experience it on earth.

What I most enjoyed were her constant references back to scripture, to hymns, and to authors whom she's read before who wrote truth. I hope to have those same resources at my disposal for when the storm comes, because it will. I hope to hide His word in my heart. I have recently taken to reading more authors of the 'christian' genre. (I hesitate at using 'christian' as an adjective, I dislike what it connotates which is probably why I have for so long stayed away from literature characterized as such) Regardless, I have today made some purchases of which I am very proud. A book by Jerry Bridges, one called 'Messy Spirituality' and another about missionary work. I hope to find the truths in all of these books.

Another point that P&P touched on was the call to obedience, especially when the desire to be obedient is constantly at war with the desire of the flesh. That actually is the entire point of the book now that I reread that last sentence, haha. Ahem....anyway.....this realization has caused a new request in my prayer life. One that asks He reveals to me ways in which my will does not match His. I guess that has always been a prayer, however now I feel that I have something real as an example.

My prayer is not on relationships, which is what this book is about on surface level, but on my future. This book is one above all on patience, trust and waiting on the Lord. I don't want to forget the lady I talked to this past Thursday while Treasure Hunting, and the promise the Lord spoke through her to me -

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

I know that He who has promised is faithful, and I need only to wait on His answer.

-Blog Post-

2009-08-30T01:24:00.000+04:00

I have journaled my experience at Impact on prayer team and will readily talk about it with everybody and anybody who asks about it. It was the biggest blessing of my life :) :) :) There were times where I felt that I was being greedy, taking so much joy from God, haha! He had such victory there!

School is starting soon. I remember the days when I was excited about the first day, but now I just am tired of it. I'm tired of taking classes that I don't care for. Modern Phil. and Milton will be fun, but the other 10 hours are pointless! Pointless knowledge exsists I guess.

I found seminary lectures free online, Fuller is an interest of mine.

Fuller Theological

And here is an interesting post on women in seminary.

I am nearing the end of my time at A&M, and need to start putting a plan together. I have always felt a draw to go to seminary. (If there's one thing I DEFINITELY do not feel pulled to, it's grad school.) I have so many worldly reservations for not going, ironically. Like money, time, distance. It's so far from home :( I will continue to pray.

Man, Radiohead is my all time favorite band

2009-08-06T09:26:00.001+04:00

So I don't like early nights. And I find that I'm not used to them. So I will blog!

There's really nothing on my mind. Except everything. I put in my two weeks at the sub and bj's already, and I'm insolent to bosses at both places, hoping they'll just take me off schedule, but alas :( And I think my subway boss scheduled me for next week during Impact retreat....

I'm excited about the next few weeks until school. Here's my itenerary internet stalkers!
Impact meeting Aug 10

Retreat 12-15

San Antonio after!

Nessa's Wedding 22

Austin trip 24ish till school starts

So this down time is VERY down time. It's like the calm before the storm. And people will be coming back into town so I'll get to meet up with them and such. Things will just change and for the better I hope. My analysis thus far for staying cstat for so long is.....no bueno. I want to shoot myself. Not really, but that's like a turn of phrase these days, yeah?

It's not that I don't like A&M, I just dislike college station. I know the culture and music is known throughout the world, but it's just not enough for me I guess. And it was tough staying here working, cause I could never get enough time off to spend any decent amount of time in another city. What was awesome: getting out of my comfort zone. I had been told before I'm extroverted, and didn't believe it. It was actually last summer in san d I actually decided to accept the fact. But not having anyone close to me being in town really pushed me to do crazy things and just go out and meet people, and hang out with some others whom I would probably never have had the chance to. It was fun to socially experiment in this way, and I am confident that in an unkown city, I can survive.

Impact admittedly has me anxious. I just feel like I don't know how to do it anymore. It's been so long since I've prayed with my PAT, haha, I can't forget how to pray I guess. I have a silly fear, but aren't all fears silly? This is the biggest omega session too. Like, I have to pray for all those people? How can I? I can't do that!! But I am not alone. And it doesn't fall on me. I need to remember that. I find it so hard putting faith in God on things like this. I think things like, how can one person's prayer be enough for the hundreds of people? I'm just one person. That ratio doesn't even make sense!! 1:100s how small! But God doesn't work with fractions, he works with the heart. So, I guess if anyone out there prays for me, pray that my heart ratio for Impact will be 10000s:100s hahaha, that's a joke. But i'm serious.

What I am reading

2009-07-04T00:57:00.000+04:00

I have been reading a lot this summer. I started with Till We Have Faces, The Fountainhead, *tried* getting through the Watchmen....couldn't finish it because I just didn't spell bind me like I wanted. I'm not sure if spell bind should be one word or not.

Anyways, I'm reading other things too, but the other day I walked to the local library (which I am prone to do now, since I am moving and it will regrettably no longer be within walking distance) and just browsed. I usually have a reading list I stick, but not so rigidly; I put a lot of research into the kinds of books I put on that list, and so never really go aimlessly around a library.

But this time I did, and I just went to the essays section. I'm tired of Mark Twain and Benjamin Franklin, although I heavily recommend them. I picked up "Other Colors" by Orhan Pamuk, never heard of it before, but the cover said he was a winner of the nobel prize. He must have done something right.

Anyways, do you know that alanis morissette song "all I really want"? I love it. There's this part:

What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate

Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred

Anyways, who doesn't want that right? There are very few people I meet where I feel they understand me, much less kindred.

Well, I get this guy. I understand him. This all leads up to an excerpt from one of his first essays that I really liked.

From The Implied Author

"In order to be happy I must have my daily does of literature. In this I am no different from the patient who must take a spoon of medicine each day. When I learned, as a child, that diabetics needed an injection everyt day, I felt bad for them, as anyone might; I may even have thought of them as half dead. My dependence on literature must make me half dead in the same way."

"So yes, the real hunger here is not for literature but for a room where I can be alone with my thoughts. In such a room I can invent beautiful dreams about those same crowded places - those family gatherings, school reunions, festive dinners, and al lthe people who attend thm. I enrich the crowded holiday meals with imagined details and make the people themselves more amusing. In dreams, of course, everything and everyone is interesting, captivating and real. I make the new world from the stuff of the known world. Here we come to the heart of the matter. to write well, I must first be bored to distraction; to be bored to distraction, I must enter into life. It is when I am bombarded with noise, sitting in anoffice full of ringing phones, surrounded by friends and loved ones on a sunny seashore or at a rainy funeral - in other words, at the very moment when I begin to sense the heart of the scene unfolding around me - that I will suddenly feel as if I'm no longer really there but watching from the sidelines. I'll begin to daydream. If I'm feeling pessimistic, I think only about how bored I am. Either way, a voice inside urges me to go back to the room and sit down at the table."

"A novelist might spend hte whole day playing, but at the same time he carries the deepest conviction of being more serious than others. This is because he can look directly into the center of things the way that only children can."

I like these thoughts and share them.

I have Nothing Together

2009-06-27T10:54:00.001+04:00

I have nothing together. But I believe in a God who does. And who loves me even through that. And who desires me to be always joyful. And never down. And i can't even understand that.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with endurance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Heb 12:1

I used to think that we would try 'to be good' ( i know that's a 12 year old way to phrase 'be righteous', but whatever, it's my blog) for Him to thank Him. I know, that's sincerely what i thought, if you had asked me, why seek righteousness? I would say, because that's how we thank God for saving us, by being good.

That is so wrong.

Not only does it make the ability to be holy appear to be within our reach, (which it entirely is not) it sets us up for failure in THANKING GOD. Cause I will mess up, and then when i do, this philosophy leaves me thinking, I guess i wasn't so thankful afterall. It leaves me so empty. And chain smoking.

But, i think, the foundational piece of the beauty of the cross i was missing, is that the search for righteousness is the search for joy. I don't know if that's right, but it makes sense to me. Because righteousness is being in like mind with God; the sanctification process is when He works through you, and where is most joy found but in Him? And when are you most of Him then when you do His will? I'm not sure how this plays out in my life yet, but you need a philosophy first, to be followed by real action I'm sure.

this all came from a really bad night, and it's strange and comforting to think that even through that God was over it all. Being sovereign and good.

Right now i'm watching grease.

2009-06-11T04:20:00.000+04:00

I have today off, and there has been this post i've been thinking about for a while. I haven't actually been organizing it, just thinking about it everytime I go to work.

Also, just side note, john travolta is an INSANE dancer right now. There's a lot of hip action going on.

I was thinking about the different types of people I have met at work. Specifically, how different they are from the ones from A&M, church, or any other unrealistic social bubble I'm a part of. I really enjoy talking with people with views that are completely different from mine. I love learning about what makes people tick, what they really believe deep down, and appreciate the genuineness about it all. The majority of the people I work with, are not believers in Jesus, or profess any loyalty to a religion. With the organizations I am involved, I rarely get a chance to talk to people who are not believers, which is both a good and bad thing.

Anyway, something I've seen, is that it has been a learning experience for me. I have learned that I am a very agreeable person. That I get along with all of them, most people, very well. They do not hate me, feel uncomfortable around me, and talk with me openly about all of their (sometimes unlawful) shenanigans.

Now, it shouldn't be like that? I don't see how it could not be, unless I was condemning everything everyone did, all the time. Then the world would hate me. But, I cannot condemn people if what they do is what I do, I sin everyday. I mess up everyday. I think I should be more bothered by being so easily accepted by people at work, but I am not. I'm interested to see where it can go.

Dave Matthews Band

2009-05-26T08:15:00.001+04:00

Today my friend SEB had a pre-release party for Dave's new cd which comes out in june. I attended, not being a DM's fan, but a SEB fan. While there, I came to talking with my friend Amber, about how we both are not listeners of Dave. She replied, "SEB told me she would have me obsessed by the end of summer." So I asked SEB about it. I asked how she knows that Amber doesn't listen to him, but she is so confident in the music of Dave Matthews, that she knows Amber will be obsessed. She said that it will happen.

I got to....brooding.....about this. And I am bothered by it. It doesn't have to be limited to music, but we will for the example. So often, people say, "this band is great!" "This artist is so talented!" anything that praises music as being 'good'. I am bothered because I dont' like dave matthews. I have tried. I don't understand, how this thing can be good, can be so believed to be good, and yet pass through my radar undetected. Like, hearing an empty joke and waiting to be entertained. Waiting for it to make me laugh, completely apart from my own volition, but leaving me staring vacantly. But that's an unfair illustration. And I am not vacant. I hear it. I just seem to not perceive it.

I don't believe I listen to 'bad' music. I appreciate and recognize good music. And yet...

Let's take it pass music. All forms of art. The most immediate that comes to mind is painting, sculptures, architecture. I know 'good' when I see it. I am confident in my 'sense'. I will get back to the use of that word later.

Dance is different. I have never appreciated it. Not without lying to myself. The most recent I remember was watching the A&M Chara girls perform with a friend who gasped, held her right hand to her arm, in a salute of her entire body to the beauty happening before her, and said "this is perfect. It's their best dance." My only reaction was to stare harder. I felt nothing towards it. They were moving, and that seemed to be all. Was that goodness lost on me?

I am waiting for reaction. For an uplifiting, airy, loss of breath not in my physical person, but in my inner self. I know what 'good' is because I have known it and reacted to it. This is why I do not doubt my abilities in perceiving it. I feel as if it can only be described as another sense, recognized only by the reaction from sensing. As if, not know you can hear, until the light notes of music are heard.

And this is where my dilemma is. I want to know, hear, see, feel the beauty and 'good.' In everything. Past art. In people. Possibly, that is one sense Jesus had above all of us that needs to be fine tuned within ourselves. Possibly, He never looked at what we call art as beautiful, but straight at people.

Today's Sermon: II Tim. 2:22

2009-05-24T21:11:00.003+04:00

There was a lot I liked about this sermon, and not just the numerical symmetry of it. Although, that did appeal to me....
The text reads:

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart"

Chris talked about how Paul did not clarify what it was exactly Timothy should flee from. My NLT version makes the vagueness more explicit:

"Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts."

The word 'anything' is not definite at all. This is in contrast to what Paul tells Timothy to pursue. The point of Osborne's sermon was that when we focus on what our struggles are, how Satan is attacking us, or what is drawing us away from God, we are not focusing on what is really important. To paraphrase what he said: "The way to defeat satan is not to fight him, but to pursue God."

Now how this applies to me, huh?

Where I lose focus on Christ is on what thoughts enter my head. Now, I am sure they are a mix of spiritual attack on me, and my own ideas, but that doesn't make them any less of a distraction. I constatnly try and find the logical solution or reason for or against what I think. For instance, this morning on my way to church, the thought that entered my head was, "do I really believe?" Maybe it started as "do you really believe?" but origin is unimportant as far as this example is concerned, and so this morning and all through church I was stuck battling this thought. My point is even in church, when my focus should be on Christ glorified, it was me. Me and my belief. I am discussing this under the axiom that I DO believe. But this is only as to show how following Christ for me tends to revolve a lot around myself. So all through the sermon, I was thinking of the facts that prove I believe God in my life, rather than accept it and be done with it. Kirkegaard talks a lot about faith in his book 'Fear and Trembling' (actually, all he talks about in that book) and one of his main positions on it, is how difficult it is for him to accept and believe, when he looks around and sees so many people doing it so easily. (This specifcally to abraham and isaac and his understanding in the sacrifice and person of Abraham.) I would say I have a similar problem, however I do accept and believe, but my mind constantly tries to revert back to "are you sure?" Maybe that's everybody though, and the 'everyone does it so easily' image is only a façade.

I obsess over nothing. I want to obsess over Christ.

Layout

2009-05-23T00:46:00.000+04:00

I stayed up a while yesterday trying to get this right. I like the banner. However, this is just temporary; I hope to put more time into what it looks like, and maybe learn more html.

I have two jobs now for the summer. Subway and Ben & Jerry's. I dislike their ice cream. I start at Ben and Jerry's today at 5 pm.

At sweets today, I read four two hours out of Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead. Dominique may be one of my favorite literary characters. If you haven't read this book, I suggest you don't. It will leave you wanting so much more out of life and people than is attainable or realistic. It leaves me crushed at times, where I find the only thing I want to do is go for a jog until I collapse from sheer exhaustion.

To Begin

2009-05-22T04:18:00.000+04:00

For the record, I have edited my facebook profile, you know, the part that says 'i will not blog.' Because you see I AM blogging; I couldn't go on being a liar like that. This will be a my place to practice writing outside of my journal. If anything, it will keep it neat and clean in cyberworld.

To explain my title, I am not lost. I find that I brood too much, too often and on too depressing of issues. Dictionary.reference.com defines brooding as "preoccupied with depressing, morbid, or painful memories or thoughts" also "a number of young produced or hatched at one time" however we will just consider the former. At least for the time being. My defense against these thoughts that constatnly plague my all-to-open mind is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am given to cynicism naturally and it comes easily. I find the serious effort in remaining hopeful through it. So you see I am not lost in my broodings, and the negativity the world is willing to hand to me. It is enough for me to know that in the end, regardless of all the shortcomings I see in the world, its people and me every day, God saves.