Monday, September 20, 2010

Post Expedition

I'm having a hard time here.

And I just took a quick look at my last post (titled "Affliction") and so it seems I am being thematic, if even unintentionally.

The issue over my head is purpose. I feel purposeless. I have felt like this in Midland (though God knows I had my hands full) and I feel this now - though, again, there are daily things on the agenda and always english to teach. This is something deeper i know, past tasks.

I have this feeling that God has silenced me, and hid me away in a country where I cannot speak or be found. I feel very hidden and unused. 'I can't be doing anything for Him now,' my mind says. 'Surely He has forgotten me.' I don't understand how this works - how Russia fits in with my life. How I have not spoken to more than 2 people about God and yet He has led me here. God, couldn't I do more for you in a country where it is 1)at least legal for me to go and speak to someone about Christ and 2) I could at least speak! and yet here I am.

There have been good things about being here. In the Agape ministry, I am the young one here. Having met so many of the people here who have been walking with the Lord so long, i see that there are decades of wisdom. One lady, a doctor (cause they all are really) advised me when I opened up to her one night. She prescribed me to smile about the Gospel and about Jesus Christ and about future glory 3 times a day, every day, until I feel better all day. What a great prescription.

That's what I'm doing now. Truthfully, when I get to thinking about 'how am i any use to You?' i forget that He loved me so much to come and get me. And draw me close to Him. He softened my heart slowly, because He knew what I needed. And then, He filled me with love for His Son and left me on earth with a promise that this will all pass away one day to be replaced by joy.

I've been reading John lately and 6:29 is a great verse. I don't say that because I have any special revelation on it, but because it's so deep and complex to me, I can't get it out of my head. I'm praying through it now. I really recommend reading this whole passage but this is just the verse:
Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.”
It's humbling to me. But confusing, because to me, I think the act of believing is...perfective maybe? I think that's the word I'm looking for. Because once it's done, it's a completed act, once and for all. So I read this verse and think, 'okay, did that. Now what?' But there's a continuity to belief that I don't understand. I must keep doing it, it seems. But what does that mean and what does it look like?

I have no answers, but I am praying for understanding. Also, I LOVE the idea of thinking on the Gospel three times a day. Everyone should do it!