Sunday, August 30, 2009

-Blog Post-

I have journaled my experience at Impact on prayer team and will readily talk about it with everybody and anybody who asks about it. It was the biggest blessing of my life :) :) :) There were times where I felt that I was being greedy, taking so much joy from God, haha! He had such victory there!

School is starting soon. I remember the days when I was excited about the first day, but now I just am tired of it. I'm tired of taking classes that I don't care for. Modern Phil. and Milton will be fun, but the other 10 hours are pointless! Pointless knowledge exsists I guess.

I found seminary lectures free online, Fuller is an interest of mine.


And here is an interesting post on women in seminary.

I am nearing the end of my time at A&M, and need to start putting a plan together. I have always felt a draw to go to seminary. (If there's one thing I DEFINITELY do not feel pulled to, it's grad school.) I have so many worldly reservations for not going, ironically. Like money, time, distance. It's so far from home :( I will continue to pray.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Man, Radiohead is my all time favorite band

So I don't like early nights. And I find that I'm not used to them. So I will blog!

There's really nothing on my mind. Except everything. I put in my two weeks at the sub and bj's already, and I'm insolent to bosses at both places, hoping they'll just take me off schedule, but alas :( And I think my subway boss scheduled me for next week during Impact retreat....

I'm excited about the next few weeks until school. Here's my itenerary internet stalkers!
Impact meeting Aug 10
Retreat 12-15
San Antonio after!
Nessa's Wedding 22
Austin trip 24ish till school starts

So this down time is VERY down time. It's like the calm before the storm. And people will be coming back into town so I'll get to meet up with them and such. Things will just change and for the better I hope. My analysis thus far for staying cstat for so long is.....no bueno. I want to shoot myself. Not really, but that's like a turn of phrase these days, yeah?

It's not that I don't like A&M, I just dislike college station. I know the culture and music is known throughout the world, but it's just not enough for me I guess. And it was tough staying here working, cause I could never get enough time off to spend any decent amount of time in another city. What was awesome: getting out of my comfort zone. I had been told before I'm extroverted, and didn't believe it. It was actually last summer in san d I actually decided to accept the fact. But not having anyone close to me being in town really pushed me to do crazy things and just go out and meet people, and hang out with some others whom I would probably never have had the chance to. It was fun to socially experiment in this way, and I am confident that in an unkown city, I can survive.

Impact admittedly has me anxious. I just feel like I don't know how to do it anymore. It's been so long since I've prayed with my PAT, haha, I can't forget how to pray I guess. I have a silly fear, but aren't all fears silly? This is the biggest omega session too. Like, I have to pray for all those people? How can I? I can't do that!! But I am not alone. And it doesn't fall on me. I need to remember that. I find it so hard putting faith in God on things like this. I think things like, how can one person's prayer be enough for the hundreds of people? I'm just one person. That ratio doesn't even make sense!! 1:100s how small! But God doesn't work with fractions, he works with the heart. So, I guess if anyone out there prays for me, pray that my heart ratio for Impact will be 10000s:100s hahaha, that's a joke. But i'm serious.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

What I am reading

I have been reading a lot this summer. I started with Till We Have Faces, The Fountainhead, *tried* getting through the Watchmen....couldn't finish it because I just didn't spell bind me like I wanted. I'm not sure if spell bind should be one word or not.

Anyways, I'm reading other things too, but the other day I walked to the local library (which I am prone to do now, since I am moving and it will regrettably no longer be within walking distance) and just browsed. I usually have a reading list I stick, but not so rigidly; I put a lot of research into the kinds of books I put on that list, and so never really go aimlessly around a library.

But this time I did, and I just went to the essays section. I'm tired of Mark Twain and Benjamin Franklin, although I heavily recommend them. I picked up "Other Colors" by Orhan Pamuk, never heard of it before, but the cover said he was a winner of the nobel prize. He must have done something right.

Anyways, do you know that alanis morissette song "all I really want"? I love it. There's this part:

What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred

Anyways, who doesn't want that right? There are very few people I meet where I feel they understand me, much less kindred.

Well, I get this guy. I understand him. This all leads up to an excerpt from one of his first essays that I really liked.

From The Implied Author

"In order to be happy I must have my daily does of literature. In this I am no different from the patient who must take a spoon of medicine each day. When I learned, as a child, that diabetics needed an injection everyt day, I felt bad for them, as anyone might; I may even have thought of them as half dead. My dependence on literature must make me half dead in the same way."

"So yes, the real hunger here is not for literature but for a room where I can be alone with my thoughts. In such a room I can invent beautiful dreams about those same crowded places - those family gatherings, school reunions, festive dinners, and al lthe people who attend thm. I enrich the crowded holiday meals with imagined details and make the people themselves more amusing. In dreams, of course, everything and everyone is interesting, captivating and real. I make the new world from the stuff of the known world. Here we come to the heart of the matter. to write well, I must first be bored to distraction; to be bored to distraction, I must enter into life. It is when I am bombarded with noise, sitting in anoffice full of ringing phones, surrounded by friends and loved ones on a sunny seashore or at a rainy funeral - in other words, at the very moment when I begin to sense the heart of the scene unfolding around me - that I will suddenly feel as if I'm no longer really there but watching from the sidelines. I'll begin to daydream. If I'm feeling pessimistic, I think only about how bored I am. Either way, a voice inside urges me to go back to the room and sit down at the table."

"A novelist might spend hte whole day playing, but at the same time he carries the deepest conviction of being more serious than others. This is because he can look directly into the center of things the way that only children can."

I like these thoughts and share them.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

I have Nothing Together

I have nothing together. But I believe in a God who does. And who loves me even through that. And who desires me to be always joyful. And never down. And i can't even understand that.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with endurance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Heb 12:1

I used to think that we would try 'to be good' ( i know that's a 12 year old way to phrase 'be righteous', but whatever, it's my blog) for Him to thank Him. I know, that's sincerely what i thought, if you had asked me, why seek righteousness? I would say, because that's how we thank God for saving us, by being good.

That is so wrong.

Not only does it make the ability to be holy appear to be within our reach, (which it entirely is not) it sets us up for failure in THANKING GOD. Cause I will mess up, and then when i do, this philosophy leaves me thinking, I guess i wasn't so thankful afterall. It leaves me so empty. And chain smoking.

But, i think, the foundational piece of the beauty of the cross i was missing, is that the search for righteousness is the search for joy. I don't know if that's right, but it makes sense to me. Because righteousness is being in like mind with God; the sanctification process is when He works through you, and where is most joy found but in Him? And when are you most of Him then when you do His will? I'm not sure how this plays out in my life yet, but you need a philosophy first, to be followed by real action I'm sure.

this all came from a really bad night, and it's strange and comforting to think that even through that God was over it all. Being sovereign and good.