Wanna Runaway

I sometimes wish I could just be a hermit. In a small, foreign part of the world. I mean, I wouldn't have to deal with all this nonsense called life. Just think about it - the luxury of the ascetic life! No make up issues, and no hair fixing. (I would say no fashionable clothes to worry about, but that would be under some crazy notion that I do dress fashionably) I could shave my head and none the wiser, none! That's just one aspect of life that is nonsense. Also, I like the idea of strictly structured and disciplined living. A lot. Not for any penitential reason, but for the minimalistic one - I don't need all this space, luxury or western clothes. And I could just be in my little yurt, (cause i'd probably be in siberia somewhere..) with my books and tea and nobody, seeking God....oh the life.....

However, I'm not called to that. It sure is noble to want to live forsaking earthly comforts and become a scholar - but how important is that in the life of a christian?..... Seriously, (and I am not exaggerating at all) the idea of being a nun or any kind of cloister-equivalent has always appealed to me since I became a believer - precisely because I think it's easier.

And now you may think I'm crazy for saying that, but it's hard to live in a world where everyday you rub elbows with other sinners, and most that don't know Christ, and it's your duty to tell them. It's hard to live knowing that you're a light to shine in the world, and not an indoor candle solely for reading. It's hard having to daily battle (what seems like) every temptation from materialism to covetousness to malice. (Rom. 2: 23) And mostly it's hard having to speak up when people actually don't know what you believe. (Which is every time unless you have one of those "5+2 = 5000" shirts) It's hard being bold.

And most times, I just want to shut myself up with my Bible and with God and be all alone in the world. But the closer I get to God in the Word, the more I feel like Jeremiah -

But if I say, "I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name,"
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.

Christ put such a hard calling on every christian - namely to boldly proclaim His name. And if the Holy Spirit resides in you, chances are these verses describe exactly how you've felt at one time or another in your day. You must speak His name. You must tell that person, or that other person, or somebody, anybody who will hear you! And it's really uncomfortable most of the time. I must confess something. I've felt led to pray with a couple sick people for healing at the clinic when they came - and I haven't. It keeps welling up within me, and I have a million excuses not to. Lord give me the boldness to pray openly for healing! I am weary of holding it in. I'm terrified to speak, and weary with shutting in this fire burning to get out.

This is more of two posts in one, more of a ramble, and less of anything developed, but the thing I'm trying to say is, what use is a silent christian?

Post Expedition

I'm having a hard time here.

And I just took a quick look at my last post (titled "Affliction") and so it seems I am being thematic, if even unintentionally.

The issue over my head is purpose. I feel purposeless. I have felt like this in Midland (though God knows I had my hands full) and I feel this now - though, again, there are daily things on the agenda and always english to teach. This is something deeper i know, past tasks.

I have this feeling that God has silenced me, and hid me away in a country where I cannot speak or be found. I feel very hidden and unused. 'I can't be doing anything for Him now,' my mind says. 'Surely He has forgotten me.' I don't understand how this works - how Russia fits in with my life. How I have not spoken to more than 2 people about God and yet He has led me here. God, couldn't I do more for you in a country where it is 1)at least legal for me to go and speak to someone about Christ and 2) I could at least speak! and yet here I am.

There have been good things about being here. In the Agape ministry, I am the young one here. Having met so many of the people here who have been walking with the Lord so long, i see that there are decades of wisdom. One lady, a doctor (cause they all are really) advised me when I opened up to her one night. She prescribed me to smile about the Gospel and about Jesus Christ and about future glory 3 times a day, every day, until I feel better all day. What a great prescription.

That's what I'm doing now. Truthfully, when I get to thinking about 'how am i any use to You?' i forget that He loved me so much to come and get me. And draw me close to Him. He softened my heart slowly, because He knew what I needed. And then, He filled me with love for His Son and left me on earth with a promise that this will all pass away one day to be replaced by joy.

I've been reading John lately and 6:29 is a great verse. I don't say that because I have any special revelation on it, but because it's so deep and complex to me, I can't get it out of my head. I'm praying through it now. I really recommend reading this whole passage but this is just the verse:

Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.”

It's humbling to me. But confusing, because to me, I think the act of believing is...perfective maybe? I think that's the word I'm looking for. Because once it's done, it's a completed act, once and for all. So I read this verse and think, 'okay, did that. Now what?' But there's a continuity to belief that I don't understand. I must keep doing it, it seems. But what does that mean and what does it look like?

I have no answers, but I am praying for understanding. Also, I LOVE the idea of thinking on the Gospel three times a day. Everyone should do it!

Affliction

There is a verse in Isaiah that now I've lost. It may even have been a Proverb or Psalm. Oh well. It talked about the humble and how God will help them. Only, it was memorable because there was a footnote over 'humble' that said 'also afflicted'. And then I started thinking about a prayer I had and the place I'm at spiritually. With so much affliction I could die. I have so much awareness of shortcomings in my life, and brokenness in my heart that I am so grieved and afflicted I could die from grief. My prayer from Daniel a few months ago was to walk humbly with God. Is that then to walk afflicted with God? The important part is that it is done 'with God.'

I am hopeful about where I am. I have seen desolation ad hoplessness in myself and my abilities and it was in God's perfect Grace to cross my path with a woman who spoke truth to me. She was where I was once, God let me see that, and it took 20+ years for restoration from Him. She was so encouraging about his promises of goodness. I am so hopeless, I can't even hope for blessings, only healing.

What's beautiful is that God is patient and forever.

Yesterday I couldn't stop reading Psalm 147:10. Just that one verse. It gave me hope and life. He gave me that to remind me when He takes delight in me. Right now, me. Because I fear Him and hope in His love. I hope in His healing.

Affliction is a curious thing in the Christian walk because we are afflicted by so many things. There are so many things that bring us humble and low to God. I love knowing "I'm down and here and You're up there."

It's an odd knowledge that I'm broken and desolate, in a way, and that God will fix all things in His time. And not knowing what He'll do. I know when an object here on earth is broken, what it's supposed to do and how to fix it. But i am so helpless, I don't even know what's step one. What am I supposed to look like in the end? How is this supposed to be fixed? This heart that, medically, is healthy? (I think). I can only wait on God. And that only inspires praise and humbleness. There is only to wait on the Farmers' expert hand and His wisdom and time.

Laments

Lamentations -

"She who was a princess - has become a slave"

"Among all her lovers - she has none to comfort her"

"Look, O Lord, and see"

"He has left me stunned,

faint all the day long"

"My transgressions were bound into a yoke -

by His hand they were set upon my neck"

"My eyes flow with tears; for a comforter is far from me"

"The Lord has become like an enemy"

"The Lord is in the right"

"The Lord has swallowed up without mercy...

in His wrath He has broken down...

He has brought down to the ground in dishonor..."

"The Lord has made Zion forget festival and Sabbath"

My ruin is as vast as the sea - who can heal me?

"He has filled me with bitterness - He has sated me with wormwood"

"I have forgotten what happiness is;

so I say, "My endurance has perished;

so has my help from the Lord

Let me put my mouth in the dust- there may yet be hope

My pursuers are at me neck;

I am weary; I am given no rest

Renew my days of old-

unless you have utterly rejected me,

and you remain exceedingly angry with me

Daniel 10 -

"Then he continued, "Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. ¹³ But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days."

¹⁷ How can I, your servant, talk with you, my lord? My strength is gone and I can hardly breathe." ¹⁸ Again the one who looked like a man touched me and gave me strength. ¹⁹ "Do not be afraid, O man highly esteemed," he said. "Peace! Be strong now; be strong." When he spoke to me, I was strengthened and said, "Speak, my lord, since you have given me strength."