Wanna Runaway

I sometimes wish I could just be a hermit. In a small, foreign part of the world. I mean, I wouldn't have to deal with all this nonsense called life. Just think about it - the luxury of the ascetic life! No make up issues, and no hair fixing. (I would say no fashionable clothes to worry about, but that would be under some crazy notion that I do dress fashionably) I could shave my head and none the wiser, none! That's just one aspect of life that is nonsense. Also, I like the idea of strictly structured and disciplined living. A lot. Not for any penitential reason, but for the minimalistic one - I don't need all this space, luxury or western clothes. And I could just be in my little yurt, (cause i'd probably be in siberia somewhere..) with my books and tea and nobody, seeking God....oh the life.....

However, I'm not called to that. It sure is noble to want to live forsaking earthly comforts and become a scholar - but how important is that in the life of a christian?..... Seriously, (and I am not exaggerating at all) the idea of being a nun or any kind of cloister-equivalent has always appealed to me since I became a believer - precisely because I think it's easier.

And now you may think I'm crazy for saying that, but it's hard to live in a world where everyday you rub elbows with other sinners, and most that don't know Christ, and it's your duty to tell them. It's hard to live knowing that you're a light to shine in the world, and not an indoor candle solely for reading. It's hard having to daily battle (what seems like) every temptation from materialism to covetousness to malice. (Rom. 2: 23) And mostly it's hard having to speak up when people actually don't know what you believe. (Which is every time unless you have one of those "5+2 = 5000" shirts) It's hard being bold.

And most times, I just want to shut myself up with my Bible and with God and be all alone in the world. But the closer I get to God in the Word, the more I feel like Jeremiah -

But if I say, "I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name,"
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.

Christ put such a hard calling on every christian - namely to boldly proclaim His name. And if the Holy Spirit resides in you, chances are these verses describe exactly how you've felt at one time or another in your day. You must speak His name. You must tell that person, or that other person, or somebody, anybody who will hear you! And it's really uncomfortable most of the time. I must confess something. I've felt led to pray with a couple sick people for healing at the clinic when they came - and I haven't. It keeps welling up within me, and I have a million excuses not to. Lord give me the boldness to pray openly for healing! I am weary of holding it in. I'm terrified to speak, and weary with shutting in this fire burning to get out.

This is more of two posts in one, more of a ramble, and less of anything developed, but the thing I'm trying to say is, what use is a silent christian?