Seeking

I was praying today about my future. Like I do A LOT. Anyway, I have been praying about it for a long time, especially these past few months. At the beginning of the semester, I received silence. Then for awhile, He was pressing patience and waiting on Him. Today the message changed! Bear in mind, these messages lasted months, and a new one merits praise!

He told me, "Seek righteousness." What a great message! It involves real action; I'm very excited. And talking with Ell's today (shout out) she told me, "Yeah! Like in Micah 6:8, my favorite verse!" Which I knew, cause I know her so well :) But there is something about timing that our timeless God understands. Anyway, here is that verse:

⁸He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?

I am excited about what He is slowly revealing. I will seek what He has revealed.

On Love And Identity

Successful first week! ...... sort of. I found out the OJ i was drinking has Vitamin D3 in it, which is ALWAYS from animals. Fail. But as for that oversight my first week of eating no animal products proved successful, as I did not fall over and collapse from malnutrition! And that is success.

Me and Kayla are reading through 1 John, and we came across one of my new favorite verses in the Bible as of now. Here is the passage from 4:16-17 -

¹⁶So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. ¹⁷By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.

The title of this section is "God is Love" in the ESV. Here was the revelation that came through this. We are love. Crazy, right??? But what I love about these verses is that they touch on our Identity. These verses are crazy similar to earlier, at the end of chapter 3, where John urges us to love our brothers. I had thought before that he was just repeating himself in the later chapter 4 verses in this section. But it is entirely different in nature, in that it's defining feature is that it tells us "as He is, so also are we." As He is Love, in this world, we are Love. He touches on Identity here, verses loving in action as earlier in chapter 3.

This entire book has been so encouraging. One of my favorite verses from here ties into this, it says "He who loves his brother, lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble." We ARE love, what is in us to make us stumble? Let all our actions be motivated by love, and we cannot stumble!

Let it Vegan!

Haha, the pun on "begin" sounding like "vegan" isn't a new one, but I will use it since it's new with me!

Yes all, I am vegan now. I know that some know and some don't, but for the past three days I have, to the best of my knowledge, stayed from things and foods that dealt with animals in their process of being made. I know that I am not perfect. I am still studying, learning and reading as much as I can as to what to avoid and, most especially, what I can eat! I understand that I work at a food restaurant that sells meat, but it would just not be wise or realistic for me to quit my job over it. I do know that I can do what I can to what I know the Lord has called me to.

Since my transition, the Lord has had so much grace with me, in that I don't ever feel at all like I'm dying for a hamburger or some cheese. I actually don't feel any desire to eat meat, at least for now, though I can't imagine wanting to.

As to how it began, suffice to say that I have felt convicted in my heart. I know that in my heart is where the Holy Spirit is. I am no stranger to His voice or His movement, and when I learned about what happens to animals in the meat industry, how they are abused, mistreated, brutally murdered, I could not help but feel such pity and sympathy. I know for a fact that this was not a decision that was made by me, but rather for me. I didn't simply 'decide' I was to be vegan, but just knew in my heart that this was the next logical step for me to take, fully knowing that it has been the Lord guiding me the whole time.

And such freedom it has been! It is one of the most freeing and exciting endeavors I have ever undertaken! It is fun planning dinners and checking nutrition!

On top of that, it is sweet seeing the confirmation in the word, and seeing how He has blessed me since stepping out in faith towards what I felt so strongly for. One of the most distinct things I know is from the book of Romans. It always scared me, truthfully, because of its intensity and I was afraid that I would not understand it. Two years ago, I started to try to independently study it, to no avail. I stopped after a million things I had read I didn't understand, and one that I always remembered very distinctly was the verse, "Everything that is not from faith is sin."(14:23) I freaked when I read that. How do I put that to practice? What does that even mean? How can it be tested? So many questions, but I just gave that to God....until NOW!

I feel very strongly in my heart that He has shown me how to put that into practice now. But as to how to word it......simply following His convictions? Knowing the movement and will of the Spirit, indwell'd? I don't know how to say other than what someone wise once told me, "work out your faith with fear and trembling."

I do not think becoming vegan is for everyone. I think it unwise to make a religion out of a conviction. If you feel it, it is in your best interest to follow through. I was scared, because I had NO IDEA how to be one. But the Lord has Grace enough for that, and has blessed me considerably. However, if there is no movement of the Spirit in this way, He is surely calling your attention to other things. I know, though, that to veganism is where I am called, and to Him, how can I deny? Truly, He is more satisfying.

Faulty Peace

Today I made a big purchase after making another earlier this past couple of weeks. These were out of necessity, and so were necessary things to buy. But today after driving away I had a panic attack. Like I always do when I make most purchases.

Those who know me, know that I really did not grow up in a very monetarily secure household, neither in my immediate family nor my extended. There is worry in my heart caused by these things. Namely, that I have noticed that I need to make proactive actions to not be attached to material things or money or 'perishable things.' I have a tendency to think that soon it will be gone, so I must hold on to it. I need to know that all my hope and peace, as the hymn famously says, is in Christ, His Love, His Cross. That's. it.

I wasn't thinking of Christ, Love or His Cross when I was driving and panicking in the car though. I was thinking of food, bills, college, things that I have to worry about, and a million things I can think that could cause me to pity myself or make it out to not be my fault.

The only thing at the time when I was panicking was to check my bank account, and make sure I was still safely in the clear. I was. And that brought peace to me.

THAT BROUGHT PEACE TO ME. Finding security in my current financial state BROUGHT ME PEACE.

That is severely wrong. Beware of the traps of money when they steal the place of peace in our lives reserved only for our Christ.

"I want to not find security and peace in money"

That is a prayer of mine. Importantly, to find if this has been answered is when I actually do not have security and peace in money.

Though the fig tree should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the vines,

the produce of the olive fall

and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold

and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord;

I will take joy in the God of my salvation

God, the Lord, is my strength;

He makes my feet like the deer's;

He makes me tread on my high places.

-Habakkuk 3:17-19

Knowledge of the Law apart from the Spirit is Useless

As per the past year: It seems the soul/heart/mind(but more than that...) I once had has been evicted/transformed/wrecked. The previous self I was, with its life categorizing, double standards, and general selfish tendencies, allowed such painful regressions to sin, showing no true repentance. Yes, there was promise in 'mind', but not transformation in heart. There was awareness/conviction of sin, yet not the overwhelming desire to fix it in my life. (Possibly what we so often say, 'conviction' we may only be referring to the knowledge of presence of sin, which the word implies. The idea only that there is 'belief of' sin, rather than the necessity to do something about it.) So often I knew what I must do: turn away, flee, don't play the line of sin, yet when the tests came I failed. Surely my mind did not change in those times, as that I retained the knowledge of what was right, and what was wrong.

That is exactly what relying on the self and not Spirit looks like: failure in walking righteously. John's words from his first epistle are never so true as now to me. If we walk in darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. This truth is that God is light. They cannot coexist in one heart. Categorizing life is death. Death eternally, temporally. Death to joy. Can one, then, have the awareness of sin which comes with the Spirit, yet do nothing to stop sinful acts and begin righteous living? No I tell you. For presence of the Spirit, truly, alive and active in you can only bring such joyful pain of awareness of sin in one's life that the only course to take is action for that Spirit. It must be that when He is grieved, you are grieved, and sorrowful, as the bible will tell us leads to repentance. Our Spirit is changed, mine is changed.

And in this, we have faith in the strength given us to complete this end. Apart from walking in the Spirit we are working from our own power. Tozer will say,

"through the body of Christ, God is doing an eternal work above and beyond the realm of fallen nature. this requires supernatural working..."

Let all we do, then, have the after effects in eternity and this only through the Spirit.

Note: On this I could write a book on now that I have thought and developed this more. The knowledge of the Law apart from the Spirit can only lead to the situation described in Hebrews chapter 4:

Therefore, while the promise of entering His rest still stands, let us fear, lest any of you should seem to have failed to reach it. For good news came to us just as to them, but the message they heard did not benefit them, because they were not united by faith with those who listened

and later,

Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.

What does 'strive to enter that rest' mean but to live a righteous life?

For the Ladies

"There are no coincidences, only answered prayers." I think that is already a coined phrase. However, I don't know if it is, the Lord has just been putting this in my head lately. To believe in coincidences is such a hope killer in the belief of an intervening God.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to focus on. This is for the ladies, as titled, because it is a message I want to share with them, that I have received. It may be for men too, I guess, but I feel most for the women, as I know that these complexities are ones most women face.

And now for vulnerability. I have never felt especially beautiful. Or pretty, or any other word that I have been told by my mother and the Bible and yet I have refused to believe because of the lies of the world. I thought in my head, "the world says this kind of girl is beautiful. That is not me. Therefore, I am not beautiful." Crazy, right? But SO MANY women struggle with this, and like me, may not be aware that you do, or feel that the solution to the problem is in you, not in Christ.

Anyway, we are not our own orchestrator's of our fate, praise God! These were LIES (it is important to identify that they are exactly that) that I had been believing since I can remember. These LIES, then, were a stronghold for Satan in my life, that he used to tempt me and pull me away, as in Hosea 2:

¹³ I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,"
declares the LORD.

And that's what I did. However, the following verse proves truer:

¹⁴ "Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

Twice in the past semester God has told me POWERFULLY and without a doubt, that I am beautiful. And not with conditions, as in beautiful because of anything outward, he just said "You're Beautiful." And again, "Beautiful." TWICE; weeks apart. First, know that God has SOO much patience for you. It abounds! He IS the God of patience! I thought surely He had enough of me, but not only is that a LIE (again, every thought captive) He is leading and alluring us! I want to encourage any women that read my blog that YOU too are BEAUTIFUL in the Lord. And we know this because He tells us. Capture the lie of ugly, that goes against so much truth, and don't seek justification in this world, as I have done, as so many of us are prone to do. We have already been justified, and made beaufitul :)

Encouragement to those in the Faith and pursuing His kingdom on Earth

This past Thursday was Treasure Hunting! whooo. It has consistently proved to be one of my favorite times of the week....that and the one time I meet with this wonderful woman of God once a week ;)

Pues, the purpose of this post is to share the encouraging moments of yesterday. We met, prayed, worshiped and called out and listened to God together, and before we left this guy Justin shared this Psalm and encouragement idea. I'm actually unsure which Psalm it was. Possibly Psalm 59:8 which reads:

"But You O Lord laugh at them"

or it could have been Psalm 2:4:

"The One enthroned in heaven laughs"

Either one, they both work. Well, he encouraged us to share some of our fears, the lies from the enemy that we shouldn't believe, but do, so that we can laugh at them. Which sounded silly, but it was such a source of joy let me tell you! Well, Earlier in the night this guy Royce said, "I'm gonna jut make a big plea God, don't let us encounter any hard hearts. I pray that everyone be open that we talk to." I shared that when I individually tried to pray that, I had admitted personally to myself that I had such little faith. That I couldn't believe it; the past two weeks I was punted and completely rebuked. (It was in those times my mom encouraged me, with "The world will hate you, but it is not you they hate but [Christ in us]," very encouraging). So I shared that, and how I was praying that I couldn't imagine: out of all the people we will talk to, how can not one get ignored or hated? We all had a good laugh at that disbelief and set out.

I got a chance to see the Holy Spirit move in amazing ways, and He blessed me by allowing me to see my part in His plan that night! For a long time, Satan had me fooled into believing 'coincidences' or even that I don't even hear the Spirit. And other such nonsense. Anyway, the Spirit gave me a very clear picture of a man I mistook for a friend of mine, so I assumed it was him. Anyway, I get discouraged so easily and I had thought surely he must be at Fuddrucker's. When he wasn't there, I believed more of Satan's lies, that I made this up. But I just kept praying His mercy for my unbelief, and prayed faith to believe His promises.

So me and Royce go to Petco, cause he the Lord told him turtles, fishes/fish tank and...something else.....anyway I can't remember. We go there, and there he is. However not chris, but the guy that I saw in my head that looked exactly like Chris. He was the guy we were supposed to talk to!! And the movement of the Spirit inside me was something like Joy, I remember. I felt justified against all those lies then. I hold this to myself, and we see him again, of course, by the turtles and this is when I tell Royce. He agrees. So we look for him and, of course, he's elbow deep in a fish tank.

The talk was great, he knew about Christ, but not WHO he is, like personally, or about His perfect Love. The sweet part was we talked to him for like 10 minutes, and it was as if he was waiting for us to talk to him. As if our visit was what the Spirit used as a catalyst. I knew this, because after we prayed for him, when we were wrapping things up, I thought in my head 'now would be a good time to extend an invitation' but the Spirit told me "I have already taken care of that. You do not need to worry about Him" Like, I felt the Spirit assuring me that He was already there! And the questions he asked! (He literally asked me, "so what turned you to Him?" awesome!)

At the end of the night, after everyone shared their testimonies, of course of course of course, NO ONE encountered a hard heart. All the hearts were open! He heard our big prayer and regardless of my little faith in praying it, He answered! He wants us only to ask, that is how I believe we demonstrate our faith. We have such a good Father :)

On top of this, be assured that movements of who the Holy Spirit is, that He lives in us, and fascination and the pursuit of God on earth that resides within us is evident in other churches. That is my real note of encouragement. That I have heard of pockets of believers from Grace, Community Church, even Church of Christ who are interested in KNOWING and MANIFESTING and WALKING in this Spirit. And this is an encouragement to those pursuing or have yet to, to continue on. He is at work in you and others.

Two tests and a paper ain't got nothin on me

I meet with Kayla soon ( I guess that constitutes a shout out?) anyway, just enough time for a blog update.....

I am constantly in awe of the movement of the Spirit. It's amazing to me considering the already high expectations I have of Him, that He STILL astounds me and my only reaction is praise. That so many areas of my life are focused on pursuing the Spirit, and knowing Him intimately that resides in me, and not only that, but that OTHER people as well are becoming aware and practicing walking in His Spirit daily, what is that??? The synchronic (not a word) movement of God. That's what it is. And it is SO COOL.

I am going to start reading Tozer's Leaning Into the Wind with Angela (second shout out?) and am flippin excited. For lack of a better phrase, but I think it gets my point across. We put a pause on pursuit of Holiness, which has singlehandedly caused so much journaling and writing in a book on my part it's ridiculous. But it is for purity we have been called, so that is what we are to strive after.

Sydney (three count) came and visited this past week and it was fun times 100 we shared a bed. Haha, which I won't even do with Jessica....(4th) She came with me to Treasure Hunters, and I again got a chance to enjoy that special joy that comes with sharing something you truly love with someone you truly love as well :) Also, I stole her toothpaste.

Treasure Hunting

I have an exam tomorrow that I haven't studied for, but I have weighed importance in my life in the way of 'blogging vs. studying', and find blogging my experience the weighter of the two.

IT'S AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, praise Jesus that I can hear Him!

"My sheep hear My Voice..." John 10:27

That verse is my encouragement. His continual blessing on me in pursuing this evangelism He's placed so heavily on my heart has been so crazy.....ahhhh words fail!

Last week I went to Home Depot, because that was DEFINITELY where He wanted me to go, though He knows I felt silly writing it down. But I went and recieved a HUGE blessing from this lady, Sherri, who offered to pray for me over my worries about where to go and what to do when I graduate.

This week was harder. I got chimeney. Or chimney. Whatever. Anyway.....we went to blue baker on dominik and lo and behold there it was. The one that I saw. And He led me to Kiki and now I can invite her to church cause I have her number! And He saved a wal-mart employee today through Lance!! He's raining down blessings on College Station and people are seeing it and experiencing Him!!

Oh man. I'm also learning discipline and obedience. Although, minus the negative connotation discipline has, because it's more of a joyful surrender. Compliments of Elisabeth Elliot.

God is so good to us; we need only to trust and obey. He is teaching me to hear Him and obey, giving me boldness I never had before!!

For the sake of future sarah

Blog blog blob slob

Got that out of my system. I just finished Passion and Purity by one of JVS's main ladies, Elisabeth Elliot. (Henceforth, referred to as P&P by E.E) What a blessing! I feel at times that what Jim and 'Bett' (as he called her) had is impossible, given my natural cynicism. What kind of unerathly love is that, which waits 5 years, and doesn't allow a kiss, or even at times regular correspondence? But that is exactly what it is. Unearthly. Of course the natural course of thought is disbelief because such love is not from this earth, but from above. It is not in my limited knowledge to understand it, but it is within my God-given capacity to accept it as a possibility. Just as the love of Jesus which took the form of the cross is not understandable to me, but is a reality, that kind of love described by E.E in her book exsists, if even I don't experience it on earth.

What I most enjoyed were her constant references back to scripture, to hymns, and to authors whom she's read before who wrote truth. I hope to have those same resources at my disposal for when the storm comes, because it will. I hope to hide His word in my heart. I have recently taken to reading more authors of the 'christian' genre. (I hesitate at using 'christian' as an adjective, I dislike what it connotates which is probably why I have for so long stayed away from literature characterized as such) Regardless, I have today made some purchases of which I am very proud. A book by Jerry Bridges, one called 'Messy Spirituality' and another about missionary work. I hope to find the truths in all of these books.

Another point that P&P touched on was the call to obedience, especially when the desire to be obedient is constantly at war with the desire of the flesh. That actually is the entire point of the book now that I reread that last sentence, haha. Ahem....anyway.....this realization has caused a new request in my prayer life. One that asks He reveals to me ways in which my will does not match His. I guess that has always been a prayer, however now I feel that I have something real as an example.

My prayer is not on relationships, which is what this book is about on surface level, but on my future. This book is one above all on patience, trust and waiting on the Lord. I don't want to forget the lady I talked to this past Thursday while Treasure Hunting, and the promise the Lord spoke through her to me -

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

I know that He who has promised is faithful, and I need only to wait on His answer.

-Blog Post-

I have journaled my experience at Impact on prayer team and will readily talk about it with everybody and anybody who asks about it. It was the biggest blessing of my life :) :) :) There were times where I felt that I was being greedy, taking so much joy from God, haha! He had such victory there!

School is starting soon. I remember the days when I was excited about the first day, but now I just am tired of it. I'm tired of taking classes that I don't care for. Modern Phil. and Milton will be fun, but the other 10 hours are pointless! Pointless knowledge exsists I guess.

I found seminary lectures free online, Fuller is an interest of mine.

Fuller Theological

And here is an interesting post on women in seminary.

I am nearing the end of my time at A&M, and need to start putting a plan together. I have always felt a draw to go to seminary. (If there's one thing I DEFINITELY do not feel pulled to, it's grad school.) I have so many worldly reservations for not going, ironically. Like money, time, distance. It's so far from home :( I will continue to pray.

Man, Radiohead is my all time favorite band

So I don't like early nights. And I find that I'm not used to them. So I will blog!

There's really nothing on my mind. Except everything. I put in my two weeks at the sub and bj's already, and I'm insolent to bosses at both places, hoping they'll just take me off schedule, but alas :( And I think my subway boss scheduled me for next week during Impact retreat....

I'm excited about the next few weeks until school. Here's my itenerary internet stalkers!
Impact meeting Aug 10

Retreat 12-15

San Antonio after!

Nessa's Wedding 22

Austin trip 24ish till school starts

So this down time is VERY down time. It's like the calm before the storm. And people will be coming back into town so I'll get to meet up with them and such. Things will just change and for the better I hope. My analysis thus far for staying cstat for so long is.....no bueno. I want to shoot myself. Not really, but that's like a turn of phrase these days, yeah?

It's not that I don't like A&M, I just dislike college station. I know the culture and music is known throughout the world, but it's just not enough for me I guess. And it was tough staying here working, cause I could never get enough time off to spend any decent amount of time in another city. What was awesome: getting out of my comfort zone. I had been told before I'm extroverted, and didn't believe it. It was actually last summer in san d I actually decided to accept the fact. But not having anyone close to me being in town really pushed me to do crazy things and just go out and meet people, and hang out with some others whom I would probably never have had the chance to. It was fun to socially experiment in this way, and I am confident that in an unkown city, I can survive.

Impact admittedly has me anxious. I just feel like I don't know how to do it anymore. It's been so long since I've prayed with my PAT, haha, I can't forget how to pray I guess. I have a silly fear, but aren't all fears silly? This is the biggest omega session too. Like, I have to pray for all those people? How can I? I can't do that!! But I am not alone. And it doesn't fall on me. I need to remember that. I find it so hard putting faith in God on things like this. I think things like, how can one person's prayer be enough for the hundreds of people? I'm just one person. That ratio doesn't even make sense!! 1:100s how small! But God doesn't work with fractions, he works with the heart. So, I guess if anyone out there prays for me, pray that my heart ratio for Impact will be 10000s:100s hahaha, that's a joke. But i'm serious.

What I am reading

I have been reading a lot this summer. I started with Till We Have Faces, The Fountainhead, *tried* getting through the Watchmen....couldn't finish it because I just didn't spell bind me like I wanted. I'm not sure if spell bind should be one word or not.

Anyways, I'm reading other things too, but the other day I walked to the local library (which I am prone to do now, since I am moving and it will regrettably no longer be within walking distance) and just browsed. I usually have a reading list I stick, but not so rigidly; I put a lot of research into the kinds of books I put on that list, and so never really go aimlessly around a library.

But this time I did, and I just went to the essays section. I'm tired of Mark Twain and Benjamin Franklin, although I heavily recommend them. I picked up "Other Colors" by Orhan Pamuk, never heard of it before, but the cover said he was a winner of the nobel prize. He must have done something right.

Anyways, do you know that alanis morissette song "all I really want"? I love it. There's this part:

What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate

Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred

Anyways, who doesn't want that right? There are very few people I meet where I feel they understand me, much less kindred.

Well, I get this guy. I understand him. This all leads up to an excerpt from one of his first essays that I really liked.

From The Implied Author

"In order to be happy I must have my daily does of literature. In this I am no different from the patient who must take a spoon of medicine each day. When I learned, as a child, that diabetics needed an injection everyt day, I felt bad for them, as anyone might; I may even have thought of them as half dead. My dependence on literature must make me half dead in the same way."

"So yes, the real hunger here is not for literature but for a room where I can be alone with my thoughts. In such a room I can invent beautiful dreams about those same crowded places - those family gatherings, school reunions, festive dinners, and al lthe people who attend thm. I enrich the crowded holiday meals with imagined details and make the people themselves more amusing. In dreams, of course, everything and everyone is interesting, captivating and real. I make the new world from the stuff of the known world. Here we come to the heart of the matter. to write well, I must first be bored to distraction; to be bored to distraction, I must enter into life. It is when I am bombarded with noise, sitting in anoffice full of ringing phones, surrounded by friends and loved ones on a sunny seashore or at a rainy funeral - in other words, at the very moment when I begin to sense the heart of the scene unfolding around me - that I will suddenly feel as if I'm no longer really there but watching from the sidelines. I'll begin to daydream. If I'm feeling pessimistic, I think only about how bored I am. Either way, a voice inside urges me to go back to the room and sit down at the table."

"A novelist might spend hte whole day playing, but at the same time he carries the deepest conviction of being more serious than others. This is because he can look directly into the center of things the way that only children can."

I like these thoughts and share them.

I have Nothing Together

I have nothing together. But I believe in a God who does. And who loves me even through that. And who desires me to be always joyful. And never down. And i can't even understand that.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with endurance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Heb 12:1

I used to think that we would try 'to be good' ( i know that's a 12 year old way to phrase 'be righteous', but whatever, it's my blog) for Him to thank Him. I know, that's sincerely what i thought, if you had asked me, why seek righteousness? I would say, because that's how we thank God for saving us, by being good.

That is so wrong.

Not only does it make the ability to be holy appear to be within our reach, (which it entirely is not) it sets us up for failure in THANKING GOD. Cause I will mess up, and then when i do, this philosophy leaves me thinking, I guess i wasn't so thankful afterall. It leaves me so empty. And chain smoking.

But, i think, the foundational piece of the beauty of the cross i was missing, is that the search for righteousness is the search for joy. I don't know if that's right, but it makes sense to me. Because righteousness is being in like mind with God; the sanctification process is when He works through you, and where is most joy found but in Him? And when are you most of Him then when you do His will? I'm not sure how this plays out in my life yet, but you need a philosophy first, to be followed by real action I'm sure.

this all came from a really bad night, and it's strange and comforting to think that even through that God was over it all. Being sovereign and good.

Right now i'm watching grease.

I have today off, and there has been this post i've been thinking about for a while. I haven't actually been organizing it, just thinking about it everytime I go to work.

Also, just side note, john travolta is an INSANE dancer right now. There's a lot of hip action going on.

I was thinking about the different types of people I have met at work. Specifically, how different they are from the ones from A&M, church, or any other unrealistic social bubble I'm a part of. I really enjoy talking with people with views that are completely different from mine. I love learning about what makes people tick, what they really believe deep down, and appreciate the genuineness about it all. The majority of the people I work with, are not believers in Jesus, or profess any loyalty to a religion. With the organizations I am involved, I rarely get a chance to talk to people who are not believers, which is both a good and bad thing.

Anyway, something I've seen, is that it has been a learning experience for me. I have learned that I am a very agreeable person. That I get along with all of them, most people, very well. They do not hate me, feel uncomfortable around me, and talk with me openly about all of their (sometimes unlawful) shenanigans.

Now, it shouldn't be like that? I don't see how it could not be, unless I was condemning everything everyone did, all the time. Then the world would hate me. But, I cannot condemn people if what they do is what I do, I sin everyday. I mess up everyday. I think I should be more bothered by being so easily accepted by people at work, but I am not. I'm interested to see where it can go.

Dave Matthews Band

Today my friend SEB had a pre-release party for Dave's new cd which comes out in june. I attended, not being a DM's fan, but a SEB fan. While there, I came to talking with my friend Amber, about how we both are not listeners of Dave. She replied, "SEB told me she would have me obsessed by the end of summer." So I asked SEB about it. I asked how she knows that Amber doesn't listen to him, but she is so confident in the music of Dave Matthews, that she knows Amber will be obsessed. She said that it will happen.

I got to....brooding.....about this. And I am bothered by it. It doesn't have to be limited to music, but we will for the example. So often, people say, "this band is great!" "This artist is so talented!" anything that praises music as being 'good'. I am bothered because I dont' like dave matthews. I have tried. I don't understand, how this thing can be good, can be so believed to be good, and yet pass through my radar undetected. Like, hearing an empty joke and waiting to be entertained. Waiting for it to make me laugh, completely apart from my own volition, but leaving me staring vacantly. But that's an unfair illustration. And I am not vacant. I hear it. I just seem to not perceive it.

I don't believe I listen to 'bad' music. I appreciate and recognize good music. And yet...

Let's take it pass music. All forms of art. The most immediate that comes to mind is painting, sculptures, architecture. I know 'good' when I see it. I am confident in my 'sense'. I will get back to the use of that word later.

Dance is different. I have never appreciated it. Not without lying to myself. The most recent I remember was watching the A&M Chara girls perform with a friend who gasped, held her right hand to her arm, in a salute of her entire body to the beauty happening before her, and said "this is perfect. It's their best dance." My only reaction was to stare harder. I felt nothing towards it. They were moving, and that seemed to be all. Was that goodness lost on me?

I am waiting for reaction. For an uplifiting, airy, loss of breath not in my physical person, but in my inner self. I know what 'good' is because I have known it and reacted to it. This is why I do not doubt my abilities in perceiving it. I feel as if it can only be described as another sense, recognized only by the reaction from sensing. As if, not know you can hear, until the light notes of music are heard.

And this is where my dilemma is. I want to know, hear, see, feel the beauty and 'good.' In everything. Past art. In people. Possibly, that is one sense Jesus had above all of us that needs to be fine tuned within ourselves. Possibly, He never looked at what we call art as beautiful, but straight at people.

Today's Sermon: II Tim. 2:22

There was a lot I liked about this sermon, and not just the numerical symmetry of it. Although, that did appeal to me....
The text reads:

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart"

Chris talked about how Paul did not clarify what it was exactly Timothy should flee from. My NLT version makes the vagueness more explicit:

"Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts."

The word 'anything' is not definite at all. This is in contrast to what Paul tells Timothy to pursue. The point of Osborne's sermon was that when we focus on what our struggles are, how Satan is attacking us, or what is drawing us away from God, we are not focusing on what is really important. To paraphrase what he said: "The way to defeat satan is not to fight him, but to pursue God."

Now how this applies to me, huh?

Where I lose focus on Christ is on what thoughts enter my head. Now, I am sure they are a mix of spiritual attack on me, and my own ideas, but that doesn't make them any less of a distraction. I constatnly try and find the logical solution or reason for or against what I think. For instance, this morning on my way to church, the thought that entered my head was, "do I really believe?" Maybe it started as "do you really believe?" but origin is unimportant as far as this example is concerned, and so this morning and all through church I was stuck battling this thought. My point is even in church, when my focus should be on Christ glorified, it was me. Me and my belief. I am discussing this under the axiom that I DO believe. But this is only as to show how following Christ for me tends to revolve a lot around myself. So all through the sermon, I was thinking of the facts that prove I believe God in my life, rather than accept it and be done with it. Kirkegaard talks a lot about faith in his book 'Fear and Trembling' (actually, all he talks about in that book) and one of his main positions on it, is how difficult it is for him to accept and believe, when he looks around and sees so many people doing it so easily. (This specifcally to abraham and isaac and his understanding in the sacrifice and person of Abraham.) I would say I have a similar problem, however I do accept and believe, but my mind constantly tries to revert back to "are you sure?" Maybe that's everybody though, and the 'everyone does it so easily' image is only a façade.

I obsess over nothing. I want to obsess over Christ.

Layout

I stayed up a while yesterday trying to get this right. I like the banner. However, this is just temporary; I hope to put more time into what it looks like, and maybe learn more html.

I have two jobs now for the summer. Subway and Ben & Jerry's. I dislike their ice cream. I start at Ben and Jerry's today at 5 pm.

At sweets today, I read four two hours out of Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead. Dominique may be one of my favorite literary characters. If you haven't read this book, I suggest you don't. It will leave you wanting so much more out of life and people than is attainable or realistic. It leaves me crushed at times, where I find the only thing I want to do is go for a jog until I collapse from sheer exhaustion.

To Begin

For the record, I have edited my facebook profile, you know, the part that says 'i will not blog.' Because you see I AM blogging; I couldn't go on being a liar like that. This will be a my place to practice writing outside of my journal. If anything, it will keep it neat and clean in cyberworld.

To explain my title, I am not lost. I find that I brood too much, too often and on too depressing of issues. Dictionary.reference.com defines brooding as "preoccupied with depressing, morbid, or painful memories or thoughts" also "a number of young produced or hatched at one time" however we will just consider the former. At least for the time being. My defense against these thoughts that constatnly plague my all-to-open mind is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am given to cynicism naturally and it comes easily. I find the serious effort in remaining hopeful through it. So you see I am not lost in my broodings, and the negativity the world is willing to hand to me. It is enough for me to know that in the end, regardless of all the shortcomings I see in the world, its people and me every day, God saves.